Battle of the Sexes
by RetardedFish97
Summary: Tom cheats on Sam, and she and the rest of the ED girls are set on revenge. But Tom has his own army- the guys. The ED becomes a battlefield and Zoe has to fight to keep it together- unfortunately, she seems to get the worst of it. WARNING: contains crazy-eyed sheep, dead ferrets, egg-throwing, zombies and a cupboard. (As you may have guessed, this is a comedy! Please read!)
1. Rumours

**Battle of the Sexes**

_**Massive intro because I have so much to say (what, I've been gone for ages okay?)…**_

**Hey! Sorry I've been gone so long but I've had no ideas ): and mean teachers who make life hard with exams and stuff (seriously, I do NOT need a statistics GCSE. No one does. But SOMEONE's making me take one…) Oh, and a killer cold that's fried half my braincells. **

**This story is basically a big load of silly nonsense written to make people laugh. But, then again, I have a weird sense of humour and other times a good one. (Half the time people can't stop laughing, half the time I get WTF stares…) This is definitely biased against Tom. Because he's being a prick and ignoring Sam. (This is based on the episode where he buys Sam a drink then chats up the blonde woman at the bar.) **

**Basically, the ED finds out about the row, they take sides… the men act like children so the women get their own back. No idea how long this'll go on for!**

**The time this is set is complicated. Like I said, it's based on the 'drinks and chatting up someone else' episode. BUT I decided there needed to be more women (and I never wanted her to leave) so Tamsin is still at the ED. Dylan's not because that would make things WAAAAAYYYY too complicated. Ash is there because I wanted to make Zoe's day really bad so the ending could be even funnier. **

**Thanks to Jasmin (who stood up for me in a row and I've copied what she said- I'll tell you when I write it.) Oh, and thanks to someone who will remain nameless for inspiring a bit between Tom and Sam (I'll tell you what bit when I write it.)**

**~ RetardedFish97 (who is officially back on Fanfiction!) xxx**

**P.S sorry for the bad language S:**

…**..**

Sam was in the ladies of the ED, gripping the edge of a sink and trying not to cry. Wispy hairs had freed themselves from her ponytail and the little makeup she'd put on was running down her face. Aoife and Robyn walked in together, giggling. As soon as they saw her, the giggling stopped.

"Dr… Dr Nichols… sorry to interfere… but… but…" Robyn stammered, not wanting to be nosy.

Aoife couldn't stand it, so she was blunt, "You look a mess, want to talk about it?"

Sam turned round, not sure if she should tell the girls or not. She looked at each of them- they weren't searching for gossip, they were genuine.

"Just had a row with someone, that's all."

"It was Dr Kent, wasn't it?" Aoife asked.

Robyn nudged her and Sam raised an eyebrow indignantly.

"What? He treats you like shit, always talking to other girls-"

"Who are well slutty," Robyn interrupted, "And you're like, really pretty and mature and he should totally like just…"

"OKAY! We get it, you have a little hero crush on Dr Nichols, just leave it out, yeah? Sorry for interfering doctor, but he's so mean to you I just want to slap him- but I have my place here to think about. You know the other women here think he's… well… he's…" Aoife stumbled over her words, not wanting to lower herself to talking like Robyn or Linda- it's not that she didn't like them, just that she didn't like their grammar.

"A total man whore…" Robyn finished off, "What, I'm just quoting someone!"

"No, don't worry- you cheered me up." Sam smirked, "And, to be honest, he is."

"Well, c'mon, we can't let him see that he's got to you." Aoife produced a makeup bag and Sam eyed it warily.

"Trust me." Aoife smiled, sitting Sam on the counter, next to the sink.

"Shut your eyes."

Sam shut her eyes nervously, and all she could hear was,

"What, Robyn, you want to turn her into a fucking satsuma?" and "Don't put none of your bloody goth makeup on her!"

Five minutes later, a 'ta-daaah!' from Robyn make her open her eyes.

The two girls had removed the tear streaks from her cheeks and put some tinted moisturiser underneath her eyes to cover the bruise-like marks. Her mascara had been replaced, but with a clear one and a little powder had been applied to her forehead, nose and cheeks to cover the redness from crying. A little clear lipgloss finished off the look- not that it could be noticed, as it blended so perfectly to her skin.

"Wow," Sam's eyes were wide, "You've done it. It looks great!"

"If you don't mind me askin', Doctor Nichols, what happened?" Aoife frowned.

"I kind of do mind," Sam sighed, "But you've SAVED my life today, so I guess I owe you one."

"It's okay…"

"No, I'll tell you. I may as well." Sam sighed, "Tom and I were going out 'kind of officially' but then one night he started chatting up this dumb blonde. I went round to his flat because I'd left… something, and SHE opened the door in her underwear and a nightie. Tom appeared behind her and jut scowled at me and asked what the hell did I think I was doing, just turning up like that. Then I asked for my… things… and the stupid blonde ran off in a huff and he just threw the… thing at me and I caught it and left and…"

"It's okay, we get the picture. My man was at it behind my back too." Aoife frowned at the thought.

"He's not…"

"Well I think it's plain sleazy," Robyn grimaced.

"And I think sister Bateman, who's been stood behind you for the last three sentences, is going to kill you both."

"That's pretty much it," Tess frowned, as the two girls turned round, "Get to work."

The two nurses hurried out, heads hanging, in a blur of lilac, black and ginger. Tess smiled at Sam for a moment,

"Sam, I couldn't help but overhear that…"

"No. I mean, thanks but it's okay and…"

Tess interrupted, "It's not okay. I heard what Dr Kent did and he shouldn't treat you like that. Charlie agrees with me, though he'd never say anything- and neither did I."

"Got it. Thanks, Tess," Sam smiled, and the two walked into the ED together.

…..

Meanwhile, in the men's', Tom was leaning against the tiled wall. Noel walked in with Big Mac.

"You alright Tommy boy? Only you're looking a bit under the weather, man."

"Not really, Mac, girl trouble." He sighed.

"What, with Sam? She's hardly the kind to…"

"No, with Katie." He looked at their confused faces, "My girlfriend? Sam just couldn't care less after Dylan left so I started seeing this other girl. And now SAM won't stop moping. She didn't know about Katie until she came round to my flat and found her, then they both ran away crying and she was looking back like she expected me to follow _her._ But it's all going to be okay with Katie because I'm taking her out tonight."

"Oh, get you Mr Charmer," Noel smirked. "Sam's moping around, y'know. Women, eh?"

Jamie walked in,

"What's so wrong with girls?"

Tom smirked, "They're clingy?"

"Yeah, well, tell me to respect my superiors but isn't that just devotion? I think it's cute."

"YOU don't have to go out with them, do you?" Tom raised an eyebrow.

"No. But being gay doesn't mean I can treat my lovers and admirers like pieces of shit."

"Yeah, respect your elders."

Tom, Big Mac and Noel left, elbowing each other and sniggering.

…

Later on, Jamie, Aoife and Robyn found themselves alone in the staffroom.

"You'll never guess what I heard Dr Kent say earlier," Jamie looked upset.

Aoife raised an eyebrow, "Slagging off Dr Nichols, I bet."

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"She was cryin' in the bathroom. We did 'er makeup to cover it up but she looked pretty rough." Robyn sighed.

"So, what happened?"

"Dr Kent was sleeping with some blonde slut and she didn't know and thought they were still… y'know, dating? So when she went round to his flat to get something…"

"She found them?" Jamie asked, eyes wide.

"Pretty much. But she'd never say what it was she'd left…" Robyn raised her eyebrows.

"Don't be so naïve," Aoife laughed, "It was obviously underwear."

Jamie choked on his coffee and Robyn's eyes widened. The two stared at Aoife, agog. She felt very superior.

"Why else would she feel so upset? A few measly drinks and a quick snog wouldn't mean… well, y'know. They've HAD to be sleeping together. And more than once…"

Linda walked in and they all fell silent.

"What are you all talking about?"


	2. Team Sam

**Battle of the Sexes**

Linda stared at each of them in turn, then slumped on the sofa next to Jamie.

"Go on then, spill!"

"I don't really think…" Robyn trailed off when Linda gave her an angry glare, "Dr Nichols and Dr Kent…"

"Gossiping about the doctors?" Linda frowned, "Not gonna make a good impression on anyone! Unless… that is… you tell me everything."

Aoife frowned at her. Jamie laughed softly. Robyn bit her lip and looked at her feet.

"We were just… gossiping…" Jamie murmured.

Linda raised an eyebrow, "About Dr Kent and Dr Nichols? Big Mac and Noel are tellin' everyone. Thing is, they're being a bit biased towards Dr Kent…"

"Dr Kent?!" Aoife explained, "It was his bloody fault!"

Linda frowned, "Noel said that Dr Kent and Dr Nichols were barely going out when Dylan left. Then she gave him the cold shoulder and he started seeing someone else. Seems logical."

Aoife snorted, and Robyn and Jamie were shaking their heads.

"No! They were going out alright- and properly, I bet- but he got bored and it got a little hostile, so he slept with some blonde bird."

Linda's mouth fell open. She smoothed her pale blue scrubs and looked at her little fob watch.

"Don't let any of the doctors 'ere you talkin' like tha'." She smiled, "But I think that's harsh. Dr Kent's got most of the men believing Dr Nichols was so mean and snooty he dumped her… he's been saying worse too, I think."

"What?" Robyn exclaimed, "That is well unfair!"

…..

"What is?" Dixie asked.

She and Tamsin had walked into the staffroom together. They both slumped against the kitchen counter, looking equally puzzled as they drank a cup of tea each.

"Dr Nichols and Dr Kent."

"What about them?" Tamsin asked, looking puzzled.

"Dr Kent's upset her. He let her think they were still together then she caught him at it with some woman." Linda explained, her shoulders slumped and her face irritated.

"Sounds like him, alright." Tamsin nodded.

Dixie made an 'mm hmm' noise in agreement, and everyone in the room nodded along with them. They stood in semi-silence for a few moments before Tom walked in, chatting away to Noel and Jeff. He was met by stony glares from all five women and Jamie. The six left the room together without a word.

"I think they know mate." Noel muttered.

Tom smirked, "So? Sam's just making herself less and less popular."

Dixie whipped round from where she was stood in the doorway.

"Dr Nichols is popular amongst the decent ones among us. Isn't that right, Jeffrey?"

Jeff looked up at her stern face then back at Tom's mocking one.

"She's okay, Dix, but what happened with Dr Kent was hardly his fault, was it?"

"I don't believe you, Jeff! And, as you seem so AGAINST women today, I guess you'd better work with Norman. And you're sleeping on the sofa."

Jeff scowled at her as she swanned out the room.

…..

Meanwhile, Sam had taken a lunch break and was on her way to the staffroom. Louise and Dixie were talking- not something they usually did- and she could feel them staring at her as they whispered. She turned to Big Mac, who was stood behind her,

"Mac, are my ears burning?"

"No." Mac replied, before walking off.

Sam stared after him, confused- he was normally so friendly.

"Noel?" she called out to the receptionist.

Noel looked at her, nervous, "Sorry, uh Doctor Nichols, I um… need to uh… file something for Zoe."

Sam frowned, then her eyes rested on Tom, who was chatting to Lloyd. He looked at her for a second, murmured something to Lloyd and the pair laughed. Her eyes narrowed.

"Jeff, I was wondering…"

Jeff walked out to the ambulance bay, without even a backwards glance. Sam felt her bottom lip wobble, then kind hands rested on her arm, her back, guiding her into the staffroom, giving her a hug. She looked up and saw the crowd that had gathered: Tamsin, Dixie, Linda, Jamie, Aoife and Robyn stood looking at her, concerned.

…..

"Why… why won't they talk to me?" Sam sniffed, sitting on the sofa.

Linda sat next to her and gave her a comforting, friendly hug. Sam wasn't used to all-girls-together. At school, she had always been the girl in the boys' group, the tomboy- and occasionally, some bitch nicknamed her 'the whore'. She felt like a fish out of water as the women perched on chairs, tables, sofa arms and leant against the door (Dixie, who'd promised to tear the balls off any bloke who tried to walk in.) Jamie stood smiling, preferring being amongst girls than men.

"Dr Kent's been…" Robyn began.

"Well, he's kind of…" Jamie tried to carry on.

Linda couldn't tell her either, "He's been saying…"

Aoife glared at them all, "He's telling everyone you're a bunny boiler, and that you're upset because **you **broke up what was barely a relationship between you two by being moody. And that you found his new girlfriend and freaked out…"

"And… that the new girlfriend is way nicer than you." Tamsin finished off, "What? His words, not mine."

Sam groaned and sank her head into her hands, her shoulders shaking gently. Zoe chose the worst possible time to walk in.

…..

"What THE HELL are you all doing in here… Sam! Are you okay?"

Zoe stumbled into the room and looked around at all the women and Jamie.

"Where are the blokes? Why are you all in here? Sam… why are you so upset? Why is…"

"Dr Kent's been telling everyone some pretty mean stuff about Dr Nichols and the men all side with him, but we heard her side of the story and we think it's not right so…"

"ENOUGH! So you've all been taking sides like this is some sort of playground squabble? I mean, I can understand it for Aoife, Robyn and Jamie- they're SUPPOSED to gossip, they're students- but you lot? Linda? Tamsin? Dixie? For goodness sake, one of you say something!" Zoe exclaimed.

Sam looked up from where her head rested in her hands,

"I think… that they deserve to be praised… not snapped at…"


	3. Teenage Squabble?

**Battle Of The Sexes**

Zoe shook her head,

"Sam, I understand you're upset and I'm here if you need me, but I can't accept these silly playground fights!"

Dixie, Tamsin, Linda, Jamie, Aoife and Robyn hung their heads. Just then, Tess walked in. Unluckily for her, she didn't notice Zoe.

"Sam! Well, this is a little gathering but I can't object. Dr Kent's out there now and he's being a right… oh. Zoe. Oops."

The women in the room had to supress a giggle as Zoe's mouth fell open.

"TESS!"

Tess looked around the room, then back at Zoe,

"Oh, you mean me?" (more giggles) "Look, Zoe, I know you won't approve but…"

"No, Tess, I don't. Sam, my office," she said, walking out, "I'll find Tom."

"Zoe…" Sam shook her head and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Five minutes."

Zoe walked out of the room without a backwards glance.

…..

Once she'd left, everyone in the room huddled around Sam. There were cries of injustice and angry murmurs running through the group. Sam stood up.

"I'd better go," she muttered, "Just… don't prove her right. Don't turn this into a silly battle."

The women all nodded and murmured their agreement. Sam left wordlessly, trying to avoid meeting the eyes of any of the men along the way.

…..

But the women (and Jamie) hadn't finished their conversation.

"What the hell has gotten into the men?" Louise asked, wrinkling up her nose.

"I think they're being rather silly, to be honest." Tess agreed, "Maybe if we all just ignore their behaviour…"

"Easy for you to say, Tess, we have to work with them!"

"Yeah, I mean- Lloyd's my mentor…" Jamie said, "Though we don't know if he's in on this yet. He might be on our side, or just stay out of it."

"Same with Fletch. But if he takes Dr Kent's side I want a new mentor."

"I have to share a desk with Noel, and we know he's part of it."

"Charlie disagrees with Dr Kent." Tess interjected, clearing her close friend's name.

"Dr Kent's in cubicles today and so are me and Robyn, how do you think we feel?!"

"How about Dixie?" Tamsin interrupted, "She's _married _to one of 'em!"

"I won't be for much longer if he carries on being like this… and he's sleeping on the sofa tonight."

The group all laughed, 'mmm'd and nodded their approval. Dixie looked round at them all, happily- they all liked the feeling of unity in the group. But Tess realised they couldn't go on chatting.

"We'd better get back out there. Aoife, Jamie, you have my full permission to tell your mentors you're with Dr Nichols on this. And, if they don't drop it- tell me."

There were some protests about leaving the room, until Dixie said-

"She's right- how's it going to look if the men are out there working and we're in here gossiping?"

They all left to do their job.

…..

Meanwhile, in Zoe's office, Zoe was not having fun. Sam was sat, giving Tom angry, hurt little glares and looking at Zoe with indignation. Tom was being 'Mr Cool' and slouching in his chair, smirking slightly at Sam and generally being cocky.

"Right, can one of you please tell me what's going on?!"

"Sa… Dr Nichols, can't cope with the fact I've moved on from the relationship we had. She's convincing others that I cheated on her. The relationship was over."

Sam huffed and looked away from him, like she often does when she's angry.

"Sam? What's your view of events?"

"My apparently fake relationship with Dr Kent has nothing to do with it. Big Mac, Noel and Jeff ALL ignored me this morning. He's been telling people that I'm clingy."

"Dr Kent, is this true?"

"Yes, she's clingy."

Zoe gave him a death-glare.

"That _isn't _what I meant. But you answered my previous question anyway. Can't you two settle this outside the ED? I can't have it affecting your work lives, or anyone else's for that matter. So, I want you two to keep away from each other as much as possible. Dr Kent, if I hear you badmouthing Dr Nichols to any ED staff then you're in trouble. The same applies to Dr Nichols. Can we agree to that?"

"No," Sam shook her head, "Not until HE apologises!"

"ME apologise? I'm not the one who told two students about me and my girlfriend."

Sam looked hurt. She'd been his girlfriend before… but now, she was glad she wasn't.

"Wow, you're an asshole."

"SAM!" Zoe exclaimed, resting her head in her hands.

"And you're a bitch, I think we're even, don't you?"

"We will be…"

"Is that a threat?" Tom asked, cockily.

Zoe looked up at the ceiling for a moment,

"Both of you, calm down, or…"

"Yes, I think it was. You can't just _ditch _me so you can sleep with some blonde bird."

"Did you REALLY think you were that important to me?" Tom asked, looking Sam up and down like she was disgusting.

She bristled under his, gaze, hurt by what he'd just said.

"That is ENOUGH! You're both behaving like teenagers. Do you want to go home?"

"What, and miss all the fun?" Tom smirked.

Zoe glared at him.

"I'm going to work." Sam stood up and left.

"Well, now you see…"

"GET OUT!" Zoe pointed to her door and Tom left, smirking.

…..

Sam was angry as she left, anyone could see that.

"Oo-ooh," Big Mac and Noel taunted.

Louise glared at them, and Linda, who was walking by the desk, stopped. She rested the papers she was carrying on the table and looked at them in disgust.

"You can't seriously be on her side, Louise?"

"She is," Linda interrupted, "We both are. Now, are you two going to stop behaving like children or do I have to get Tess?"

"What, is Tess with Sam on this too?"

"That's not for us to say," Louise interrupted, "But you two should stop being so pathetic."

"Us, pathetic? What about old mopey stalker?"

The two women glared at them,

"Sam is NOT a stalker. Tom's full of himself… but he won't be when we've finished with him."

The two women shoved them out the way and hurried to the computer… what they found was VERY interesting…


	4. Operation 'Kill that Bastard'

**Battle of the Sexes**

**OMG you are all amazing! 14 reviews- although, in a response to a guest review, it is up to me what I write, and if I don't want them to make up then they won't. Sorry, it's just you were demanding I write a make-up chapter and I really don't want to yet. Thanks to everyone else for your support- constructive criticism welcome too! **

**Things get a little, okay a lot, crazyfunnymentallolz from this chapter onwards. This chapter includes the first stage of the girls' and boys' plan, though the girls don't carry their side of it out yet.**

**~RetardedFish97**

…**..**

"Sam! Come and look at this!"

A crowd had gathered around the computer screen. Jamie, Linda, Robyn, Aoife and Tamsin were all giggling as they beckoned Sam to join their group. Sam looked at the topless photo of Tom and raised an eyebrow.

"Well, that's… attractive…"

The pose he was striking looked anything but attractive.

"You know what we can do with this? Oh, no, you want us to stay mature."

"Not any more, I don't. Get him." Sam laughed.

"Really?" Robyn looked overly-excited, and Jamie nudged her.

Sam nodded, "So, Tamsin, what can we do with the photo?"

"It was Jamie's idea."

Jamie blushed slightly, "Well, yeah… but when I was at school this group of boys used to bully me. They brought all these gay magazines (this was when I thought I was straight) and used to put them in my bag and my locker and stuff. So, one day, I read one and found the dating column. I put the ringleaders name in it along with his home phone number. His mum answered the phone. When she found out what 'her son' had been doing she called the news agent who said that the boy had been buying the magazines from him. His mum was really religious and she nearly killed the kid. Most of the others thought what I did was pretty cool, and the bullying stopped after that."

"That's amazin'," Linda smirked, "So, Sam, what do you think?"

"You want to put Tom's half naked, stupidly un-sexy photo in a gay dating column? Don't you think that's a bit… harsh, on Tom and the people who read the magazine? Doesn't it treat being gay like a bit of a joke?"

"No," Jamie argued, "I don't think so. I mean, it's not like we're saying that we want people to bully Tom for being gay, or anything like that. We want to put him in an awkward situation, that's all. And anyway, they did this trick on the One Show with David Tennant. That's what reminded me of what I did."

"Okay," Sam said, "Do it. It'll be hilarious…"

"But?" Tamsin asked.

"Wait. The boys are bound to do something pathetic and stupid and childish. So, we wait, then we do this- which is funnier than anything they'd EVER do- and they look like childish idiots. Oh, and one last thing, Jamie- can you buy the magazine? If one of the girls buys it then the boys'll be able to trace it easier. Sorry, it sounds mean but…"

"No," Jamie smiled, "It's completely logical, I'll get it."

…..

The girls went about their shifts excitedly. When one of the boys acted like a prick then simply acted offended while secretly thinking about their plot. However, unbeknownst to them, the boys had a plot of their own. Sam was right- it was childish- but she had underestimated one thing. She hadn't realised quite how childish they could be. So, when Sam left the ED, she was lucky that Linda had noticed Noel, Big Mac, Tom, Lloyd and Jeff sneaking out after her. Linda had grabbed Dixie, Louise, Aoife and Tamsin- the scariest women she could think of- and they'd stalked the boys as they went about their mission.

The boys went to Big Mac's 'office' and grabbed a carton of eggs each from a big carrier bag. Every single women's mouth fell open in surprise.

"Bastards!" Aoife muttered loudly.

The girls dragged her away from the doorway they were spying through, so when the boys turned to look at the source of the sound and saw nothing. When they were a safe distance away, Tamsin scowled at Aoife.

"Bigmouth…" she hissed.

"Hey, hey, no fighting in the ranks!" Linda interrupted, "Right, we can't let them do this. I'll get my car, Tamsin and Dixie- follow them and sneak up on them… scare them so they don't egg Sam before we get to her. Aoife, follow Sam out and warn her if you can. What do they shout in the army?"

"I dunno, hit the ground?" Dixie said.

"That'll do."

The women nod and run off to do their various missions.

…..

The car park was dark, and gloomy. The boys snuck out into the hedges- Dixie and Tamsin followed them out. Around the corner, Linda climbed into her car and awaited the signal. Robyn was with her. Aoife followed Sam outside and looked around. She saw the red light of a laser pointer that Tamsin was shining at where the boys were. Her eyes focused on a raised arm, an egg aimed at Sam. The arm drew back, and Aoife shouted as loud as she could.

"SAM, HIT THE GROUND!"

Sam dropped to the floor as reflex reaction. The egg sailed over her head and… hit Zoe. She'd just left the ED for a smoke. Meanwhile, Linda and Robyn screeched round the corner in a mini. Aoife grabbed Sam and pushed her inside, climbing in after her. Tamsin and Dixie emerged from the shadows and shone torchlights on the men- exposing them as the egg throwers long enough for Zoe to see. Then they dived into a mini and they all drove off. They didn't stop until they reached Sam's house. As they left, the last thing they heard was Zoe's screech.

"TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM! This is a designer top!"

…..

When they reached Sam's house, they piled out into the living room. Jamie was still at work, but he'd given Aoife the magazine when she told him about the egg-plot. She slammed it on the table with a slight smirk.

"Activate phase one of 'operation kill that bastard.'


	5. Tom's Dating Ad Goes Online!

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Aww, love you guys! A lot of you seemed to find the last chapter funniest, so I'm going to carry on with the mental, out-there, girls vs boys war. Please read and review, you're all amazing people! **

**~RetardedFish97 xx**

…**..**

Sam sat, looking round at the women in confusion.

"I agree we should do it, but first… what the hell happened?"

"I knew the boys were up to somethin' so I grabbed Tamsin, Dixie and Aoife and we followed them. When we realised what they were up to we made a plan- Tamsin and Dixie followed the boys so we could see where they were, Aoife ran outside to warn you and I grabbed Robyn and used my car as a getaway vehicle. By the way, since we've only got my car and it's eleven o'clock…" Linda's voice trailed off.

"You could all stay here if you like?"

"Could we? We all packed overnight bags in case one of us ended up sleeping on the other's sofa…"

"And I'm not going home anyway," Dixie sighed, flopping on one of the chairs.

"It's fine, stay here- when are we all working tomorrow."

"Weirdly we all start our shifts around the same time…" Linda frowned.

"I don't think its coincidence," Sam sighed, "Zoe, Tess and Charlie are trying to keep us all apart after Tom and I had our… spat… in Zoe's office…"

"What happened, then?" Tamsin asked, leaning over the sofa's arm.

"I called him an asshole, he called me a bitch… we promised to kill each other… I stormed out… Zoe lost the will to live…"

The girls all giggled.

"Oh, god, Zoe- I completely forgot about her gettin' egged…" Linda frowned.

"I know, poor Dr Hanna." Robyn agreed, "At least Tom's in trouble now."

"She's probably giving him a right telling off now."

…..

_Meanwhile, in Zoe's office…_

"What the hell do you think you're doing?! Throwing eggs- how childish are you?! Sam did nothing to provoke that attack, neither did any of the other women. Do you have ANY IDEA how hard Charlie, Tess and I have to work to keep you lot away from Sam and the other women? Not only is there the egg-throwing incident, Jamie's told Tess about how you treated him for being gay- you can't exclude him because of his sexuality, you know that! Jeff- I know you weren't there at the time, you too Lloyd. I also know that Fletch has kept well out of this. The only reason you're in here, Fletch, is because I needed another non-bias opinion on this."

"Can I say it now?" Fletch asked, looking round at the men.

"Yes Fletch, you can."

"What. The. Hell?! Listen, my wife and I are going through a rough patch, but I don't bring that to work with me. I certainly don't throw eggs at her. You all need to grow up, and until you do I don't want anything to do with any of you."

Ash had been stood, watching silently, with Charlie and Tess. But when Fletch had finished, he spoke up and stepped forward.

"I disagree. Look, what they did was childish, and stupid- but Dr Nichols is kicking up a fuss so they can too."

"Not in MY ED they can't," Zoe glared at him, "And not when I end up with a ruined suit- which, by the way, you're paying for between you. £500, on my desk, in no more than three days' time. Got it?"

There were grumbles from the boys, followed by and eventual,

"Yes, Dr Hanna."

"And one more thing- any more childish jokes and the lot of you will be dealing with the next flu epidemic."

The boys left, grumbling.

"Well done, Zoe," Charlie nodded.

"No- sorry, Dr Hanna, but Dr Nichols deserved it." Ash walked out.

Zoe sighed and hit her head against her hands.

"I'm sick of these childish battles."

"Dr Hanna, can I make a suggestion?" Fletch asked.

"Yeah, after what you said back there you can say WHATEVER you want."

"Maybe you should let this take its course. The girls are bound to retaliate. I mean, tell 'em off if they do anything in the ED, obviously, but this is like a playground battle. Eventually, someone'll win, someone'll lose- the loser gets told off and then the two parties make up. It's like with my kids at school."

"I agree," Charlie nodded, "Let them let off some steam and all calm down. When they've got it out of their system then you can settle them all down and make them make friends."

"Okay," Zoe agreed, "We'll let them fight it out…"

…..

And that is exactly what they were doing. Within an hour of being at Sam's house, the girls had opened a bottle of white wine, ordered pizza and gathered round Sam's laptop.

"What do we have as his username?" Tamsin asked, as she was holding the computer.

"Tosspot?"

"Asshole?"

"Dickhead?"

Tamsin, Aoife and Louise fell about laughing about their last three comments. Sam rolled her eyes at them.

"He needs someone to be interested."

"Fine- how about DrSexy?"

"Taken," Tamsin grimaced, typing it in.

"DrUberSexy?" Linda laughed, ""Sounds like his opinion of himself…"

"Taken."

"Try numbers after it." Sam suggested.

"DrSexy999," Tamsin smirked, "Not taken."

The girls all fell about laughing as Tamsin typed it into the box.

…..

"Okay, what next?" Dixie choked through her tears.

"Description?" Tamsin asked, reading from the screen.

"Tosspot?"

"Asshole?"

"Dickhead?"

The same three girls said the same three things, breaking into fits of giggles as they did. Sam, Dixie, Linda, Robyn and Jamie rolled their eyes at them.

"How about- tall, muscular thirty two year old, likes… himself." Sam's voice trailed off as ore laughter overtook it.

"Actually, the first bit's not bad. How about… Tall, muscular _twenty-seven _year old. Likes sheep, older men and a good time?" Tamsin had to bite her lip to stop herself screaming with laughter at her suggestion.

"Go on, do it," Linda nudged her.

Tamsin typed the description into the box and looked at the next question.

"What am I looking for?"

"Hmm…"

"Someone old and pervy?" Louise smirked.

"Change that to 'a much older man with some interesting habits' then type it in."

"Okay, we need a little more…"

"Someone who likes to stay in, watches sci-fi a lot and owns a lot of sci-fi memorabilia?" Sam laughed, raising an eyebrow. Tom was always sneering about 'those sort of men.'

"Okay, that's done. Now we just sit back and wait…" Tamsin laughed.


	6. Betrayal

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Hi! Sorry that this one took a little longer :S**

**Thanks for all the lovely reviews. I've replied to everyone who used an account but I can't reply to guests as a PM, so I'll reply here. "I can't see Ash getting involved in this, it seems out of character to me /:" Thanks for reviewing (: This is primarily written for laughs. I can't really see Tom leading a war against Sam, Sam putting Tom on dating website or the boys throwing eggs either. It's not meant to be realistic, but thanks for reviewing (: To the guest who asked me to write one where Sam and Tom make up (not sure if you're the same person as before) not yet and maybe not at all! To all the other reviewers… THANK YOU SO MUCH! Love you guys (: **

**~RetardedFish97 xx**

…..

Tamsin sauntered up to Tom and the boys at the bar. Louise and Dixie were with her.

"Hey Tom," She purred in her best, seductive voice, "How's life?"

"Oh, changed your mind about crazy bitch then, did you?" Tom smirked.

"All three of us have," Tamsin smiled, leaning closer to Tom.

Dixie smiled encouragingly at Jeff as she stood beside where he was sat. He looked up at her, met her gaze and smiled back.

"I was missin' you, Dix," He smiled.

"Me too," Dixie agreed.

Louise looked at Mac and Noel,

"What? I can't work with you AND hate you."

The boys laughed and wrapped their arms round their various women. Tom kept looking at Tamsin. She was pretty good looking- and she'd always liked him… it wasn't like his new girlfriend would find out if he…

"So, Tom, I think I owe you a drink," Tamsin smiled, resting a hand delicately on his shoulder, playing with his hair.

"Sounds… nice," Tom smiled.

"Tomorrow then? In here… nine o'clock."

"You're working…" Jeff interrupted.

"Oh, no," Dixie replied, "Tams and I swapped."

"And as for you two," Louise looked at Mac and Noel, "I'm going to help you get revenge on Sam and the others for ruining your little joke."

The men grinned wickedly at each other. The women's eyes met for a moment, then darted quickly away from each other.

…..

Just then, Sam and the other girls walked in. They looked over in shock and disgust.

"Tamsin…" Sam choked out, "How could you?"

Linda looked the group up and down, "I can't believe you three… well, Dixie maybe, you and Jeff ARE married- but Louise? Tamsin? How could you?"

Tamsin walked close to Sam, and stood, glaring down at her.

"What? You're being little-miss-psycho stalker… Tom was right to change his mind. Especially when there are… better offers."

Sam clenched her fist, and Linda had to pull her back.

"Leave it, they're not worth it," She said, walking out.

The women left the pub and went back to Sam's for a glass of wine.

…..

A few hours later, Tamsin, Dixie and Louise turned up at their door. Sam opened it, her face a mixture of anger and disgust.

"Oh. It's you."

Tamsin glared at her, squaring her shoulders… ready for a fight. She had one arm hidden behind her back. Slowly, cautiously, she moved her arm to reveal… a mobile phone!

"Acting time's over. Down to business."

Sam laughed and let them in, leading them through to the lounge. Linda jumped up when she saw them.

"Did you get it?"

"Yep." Tamsin replied, grinning, "Did you choose the guy?"

"How the hell did you steal Tom's phone?" Robyn asked.

Tamsin simply tapped her nose and eyed Sam warily- yes, it had all been an act, but she still felt bad about getting all flirty with Tom after everything he'd done.

"Uh-uh," Aoife smiled, nodding at the screen, "Sixty-two year old farmer with a pet sheep who he takes everywhere and a gangrenous leg. I should know- I treated him."

The women all fell about laughing, but Sam couldn't help but feel bad about hurting some innocent guy's feelings. Jamie put her at ease.

"AND I know the guy," Jamie smiled, "He was a dodgy teacher at my old school before he got the sack and brought the farm. He's not a nice bloke."

"Have you texted him?" Linda asked.

"Just now…" Louise smirked, "So now… we wait."

…..

Meanwhile, the men were still at the bar.

"I knew they'd all come round eventually- well, our girls would, anyway." Noel smiled.

"C'mon, who could stand Sam for more than a week- with how she's acting right now and all." Tom raised an eyebrow, making himself look cocky and arrogant.

"I'm glad to have Dix back," Jeff said, happily, "I've missed 'er, wanna get back to normal, y'know?"

"Yeah. I've missed Louise," Noel smiled, "No motherly, bossy comments. Just icy silence. It's not nice."

The men stood round, smiling and drinking beer, thinking about the end of this little war. Tom couldn't wait to see Sam looking defeated and upset the next day. The others were excited about more little jokes and games to get Sam back for stealing their women away- even if they had come back.

…..

Zoe sat in her office. She ran a hand through her hair, sighing deeply, and looked at Ash, who was sat across from her.

"Dr Ashford," She began, in an irritable way, "I would appreciate it if you supported me in matters like this. We could do without the childish behaviour."

"Well, I think that Tom's right. Dr Nichols is stirring up a lot of trouble with the women, so he was right to retaliate…"

"So you agree with throwing eggs at her?" Zoe asked, angry.

"No! I think they should be able to fight it out, give as good as they get, that's all!"

"Fine. You stick with what you think. But if you get involved in this silly prank-war then you'll NEVER work in this ED again. Got it?"

Ash frowned at her slightly, "Yes, Dr Hanna."

…..

He left the ED in a bad mood and headed to the pub. The boys were sat there, talking happily about what they could do next. He sat a few seats down the bar, listening in.

"Shave her eyebrows when she's sleeping on the night shift?"

"Zoe would have a fit," Tom smirked, "And besides, it's too… old. We want to be original."

"You could convince her that everyone was on your side." Ash joined in.

The group fell silent and looked at him. They were suddenly overcome with happiness- they had someone higher up in the ED on their side.

"That's not a bad idea, Ash," Tom smiled, "Let's do it."


	7. Attack of the crazy eyed sheep!

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Hello! Thanks for all the lovely reviews, as always- but I was just wondering, did I trick any of you into thinking that Tamsin, Dixie and Louise were traitors? Even just a little bit? I really want to know! Also, if any of you want anything to happen in the story, maybe a certain prank you'd like someone to play, or whether you want Sam and Tom to make up or not? I know I've said it's up to me, but I do want your opinions! I don't want to write an ending that everyone hates!**

**~RetardedFish97**

…**..**

Tom sauntered into the bar for his date with 'Tamsin.' He looked around, trying to see the pretty paramedic. His eyes drifted over to a table, in the corner, with a note on it. He could just about make out his name on the front. With a smirk, he sauntered over to the table and sat down to read the note.

_Hey Tom,  
Sorry, I'm going to be late. There was an emergency and Jeff and Dixie needed my help. I told Louise to leave this note for you,_

_Tamsin xx_

Tom sauntered up to the bar, and ordered two glasses of wine. When he turned back to his seat. What he saw shocked him.

…..

An old man, with a scruffy beard and green coat, was sat in one of the chairs. He had one leg stretched out in front of him, and Tom was sure he could smell manure. Next to him sat a fat sheep with a lazy eye. Tom turned round and headed over to the table.

"Sorry, but I was waiting here for my date?"

"Ah, you must be Tom. I'm Eggbert."

"Right," Tom frowned, "Anyway, as I was saying, I'm waiting for my date so…"

"I am yer date! We met on that website, remember? This 'ere's Wally," He nodded to the sheep.

Tom looked at the sheep, freaking out slightly at the crazy eyes.

"Oh, erm, that's great but I think there's been some sort of mix up…"

"Listen, mate, screw the wine, let's go back to yours for a good, hard…"

"WHOA!" Tom interrupted, shocked and embarrassed.

Zoe looked over from where she sat at the bar, faintly confused. It took her a while to work out what was going on… then she remembered hearing Robyn and Aoife giggling about Tom's 'hot date' earlier on in the day. She walked over to rescue him.

"Listen, I'm afraid there's been some very cruel joke played, and I'm sure I'll get to the bottom of it. But Tom isn't… well he… he didn't put an ad on that website. It was a prank."

Out of nowhere, the clearly drunk farmer swung his fist round and hit her in the face. Zoe staggered backwards, clutching at her bleeding nose… and the sheep stood on her. It began to lick her face, and Tom had to bite his lip to stop himself laughing.

…..

Sam, Louise, Tamsin, Linda, Robyn, Aoife and Jamie had been watching from a hidden booth near the back of the pub.

"We… are… in… deep… shit…" Aoife spluttered between giggles.

Linda bit her lip. Zoe was her friend, and she was desperate to be loyal and not laugh… but the sheep had started to eat Zoe's hair… and it was just too funny…

"C'mon, let's go help!" Sam was the only one not laughing, perhaps because she knew SHE would be in deep trouble with Zoe the next day.

The girls hurried over to help, dragging the sheep away, handing him to Eggbert, shoving them both out the door, helping Zoe up, sitting her down, handing her a drink. Zoe gulped down the red wine, then looked around her at the women.

"Who's STUPID idea was this?!"

…..

The pub fell silent, until Jamie quietly whispered,

"Well, me, I guess…"

"No," Linda said, almost immediately, "We all put Tom's name on that site. Jamie just inspired it. But we all wanted to do something to get revenge on Dr Kent."

Zoe sighed,

"Well, at least you were honest. But I don't approve of this!"

She was about to shout at them all, when she remembered what she, Tess, Fletch and Charlie had agreed. No involvement. Let them fight it out.

"Listen, just… at least it wasn't at the ED this time. Keep your fight away from work… and away from me! I seem to end up the worst off out of any of you each time!"

Zoe left to go and wash the eu de sheep from her hair and face. Tom stood very, very close to Sam's face,

"What the hell was that for?"

"You. For being an asshole." Sam retorted. The girls gathered round her protectively.

"Don't think that just because you're a girl I won't hit you."

He went to leave and Sam stood in his way. He threw her against the doorframe, hard, and stormed off. Sam glared after him in shock and disgust.

…..

"Sam, are you ok?" Linda placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah, that was well tight!" Robyn exclaimed.

There were murmurs of agreement, then Sam was led to a booth and all the girls sat down.

"Right, drinks all round, I think…"

…..

Meanwhile, Tom had gathered Jeff, Lloyd, Ash, Noel and Big Mac.

"It was all a joke?" Jeff said, upset.

Noel and Big Mac looked unhappy too. They'd all thought that they had their girls back… but it had all been in order to trick them.

"You've got to hand it to them, it was a good one."

"But we can do better," Ash said.

"How?" Noel asked, "The girls are too close for us to trick Sam into thinking they hate her."

"It would be easier if we could get Dr Hanna on our side," Ash mused.

"Yeah, it would, but how?"

"Well, think about it," Jeff said, "She's had eggs thrown at her, and been assaulted by a crazy farmer and his sheep! She gets the worst of the deal every time!"

"So?"

"SO we make it look like it was deliberate, and that the girls planned it!" Ash said.

"Yeah, but Linda and Zoe are really close," Lloyd said, "Well, they were. But anyway, the point is, how?"

"By planning something horrible to happen to Dr Hanna… then making sure that the girls get the blame…" Ash smiled.

"That is brilliant," Tom smirked, "Ash, welcome to the team."


	8. Betrayal again or is it?

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Sorry for the slow update, it took a while to plan this and I've been ill ): . I'm not planning on abandoning this fic, don't worry! Thanks for all the lovely reviews, as always they are much appreciated. **

**Ok, so last Saturday's episode is going to make this hard, but just pretend you never saw that (:  
This is a little bit soppy and sad, but it's building up to the next few chapters (:**

…**..**

Dixie woke up alone. She rolled over in bed and stared at the empty place beside her. The house was cold because she couldn't ever make the heating work. She went and stood at the top of the stairs,

"Abs," she called.

The dog sat at the bottom of the stairs and looked at her.

"C'mon, Absy, come and give mummy a cuddle, eh?"

The dog made a whiny noise and continued his search of the house. He was looking for Jeff, and she missed it.

"Bastard," she muttered at the dog.

…..

Jeff woke up in a grotty B&B. He got up and put the kettle on, putting a teabag each in the two cups he had. Realising what he'd done, he took one of the teabags back out.

"God, I miss you, Dix."

He looked back at the empty side of the bed. The silence lasted for what seemed like forever. So, when the phone rang, he pounced on it. It was Tom, not Dixie. He picked it up with a sigh.

"Alright, mate?"

"Not really, Jeff. I was thinking about what Ash said last night."

"And?" Jeff was getting tired of the whole girls vs. boys thing.

"And I think I know what we could do to Zoe."

"Yeah, because that didn't sound creepy at all, did it mate?" Jeff muttered, amused at Tom's childishness.

"I reckon we should get Zoe into some sort of… trouble, then let the girls get the blame…"

"You do that, then. I want out."

Jeff slammed the phone down, looking at it for a bit. Then he picked it up again. Dialled a number.

"Mac? It's me, Jeff… yeah… no, I'm not fine, actually mate… Tom's gone too far. Dr Nichols isn't a bad person, not really? And I want my Dix back… Yeah, well you don't have a WIFE on the other team, do you?.. For god's sake, make, he wants to wreck the boss's life now… forget it, put Noel on the phone… Hey, Noel, look. I've had enough of this shit, but Mac hasn't. He reckons you two are going to help Tom get Zoe arrested… yeah, too right… I know mate, I mean you need the money, right? You're not going to get any once she sacks you, are you?.. Thanks, Noel. Talk some sense into Jeff while I call the others… the girls too… haha, yeah, I'll need the good luck… ok, my room at the B&B in half an hour. See you then."

…

Linda picked up the phone.

"Hello… JEFF? WHAT THE… oh…. Okay, okay, I'll talk to them. What B&B?... okay, ½ an hour… but if this is a trick, you are beyond dead. And I'm bringing all the girls… why can't Sam be there? Tom isn't either… oh, ok, I get you… yeah, I'm in. See you there."

She looked around her, grabbed her keys and headed to Sam's. That rare coincidence where they all had the day off work had occurred, and they were all having a girly day. Tom had really upset Sam the day before, when he'd thrown her against that door. All the girls had their suspicions about why it would upset Sam so much- Linda, and a few others, believed that Sam believed that Tom still had feelings for her. That he'd apologise. Say that they're even. Take her back… but he just slammed her against the doorframe and smirked when he saw her cry.

"Wanker," Linda muttered to herself, thinking about the events of last night.

She revved the engine of her little pink mini and drove quickly.

…..

Sam opened the door.

"Hey Sam," she smiled, "Couldn't get us a drink, could you? I've got such a sore throat."

"Sure, and I've got lozenges and some other stuff in the bathroom cupboard," Sam smiled, heading upstairs. (For some reason she kept an entire pharmacy in her bathroom cupboard… Linda and Tamsin had spent half an hour pointing out all the different pills she shouldn't really have.)

Linda hurried into the living room.

"Quick, before she comes back, make up a lie and get in your cars."

"Why?"

"Jeff's called a truce. He wants us to be friends… he misses you, Dix. Now, I don't know how many of them are in on it, but Tom ISN'T. Sam and Tom are never going to make up on their own."

"Why should Sam forgive Tom? He was such an ass."

"He's going to apologise." Linda said, matter of factly.

"Why the hell would he do that? He's so bloody full of himself…" Aoife muttered.

"BECAUSE we are going to MAKE him. Jeff has a plan. Come ON!"

"Ok, I'm in." Dixie stood up. "Little Abs is missing Jeff… and I guess I am too…"

There was a chorus of 'aww' from the girls.

"Well, that's me stuck then," Tamsin smiled, "Got to do what the boss wants. I'm with you."

"We are," Aoife spoke for the three trainees as they all stood up, "We need the qualification and we won't get it if Zoe kicks us out."

"Me too." Louise said, "It's hard enough working with Noel and Mac when we're all getting on…"

"Ok, that's all of us," Tamsin looked round, "But how do we get out of here?"

"Gimme your phone," Linda said.

…..

She took Robyn's phone and dialled her own number. Linda's little pink nokia began to ring, loudly. She answered it, hiding Robyn's phone under a pillow so it couldn't be heard.

"Zoe?... Oh, God!"

Sam had just walked in, and she was listening intently.

"A major RTC? HOW MANY CASUALTIES?! Ok, I'm with all the girls… yeah, sorry about that, I'll buy you a drink to make up for it?... haha, okay… so, I'll get everyone… why not?.. Oh, I get you… but WE don't want to work with THEM!... Don't tell me to grow up, tell them… Zoe, that's well not fair… fine, I'll tell them. She won't be pleased." She hung up with a theatrical sigh.

"Ugh, there's been a major accident. Zoe wants us ALL to go in… but not Sam. She wants her, and Tom, to take the day off."

The girls sighed, grumbled and left one by one (Robyn silently grabbing her phone as she went.) Sam slumped onto the sofa and tucked her knees under her chin. She reached into the pocket of her skinny jeans and found a photo of her and Tom. She had been smiling for some photo or other, sat next to Linda and Zoe in the bar. Mac was taking the photo for an album of the Holby ED staff… but at the last moment, Zoe and Linda had dived out the way and Tom had jumped in and kissed her… SNAP! They were official. On the back of the photo, Mac had written "Holby ED's Best Couple 2012"

They weren't going to be there in 2013, she thought sadly…


	9. Dead Ferret

**Battle of the Sexes**

**WOO! I'm so glad you haven't all abandoned me!  
Thanks for being concerned, but I'm better now (I think. Don't want to curse it- I got better, said "oh, I feel fine now…" then got ill again haha!)  
And pinksparticlealienspy, I like Aoife as well! She's been in this Fanfiction quite a bit, and she's been one of the more 'main' characters. But, I will make sure she says a bit more- especially some more funny stuff!  
If anyone else has a favourite character they want to be more involved, or a least favourite character they want something… nasty to happen to them (think eggs and sheep) PM me/ put it in a review and I'll see (: **

…**..**

"Jeffrey, it's me." Dixie said, knocking on the door.

Linda, Tamsin, Robyn, Jamie, Louise and a very reluctant Aoife were stood behind her. But when Jeff opened the door, he didn't see them.

"Dix!" the door swung open and he gave her a hug.

The couple looked at each other awkwardly when he let go. There was an uncomfortable silence, which was finally broken…

"Oh, come 'ere, you daft sod," Dixie laughed, giving Jeff a hug.

The atmosphere cleared and the girls poured into the room. Aside from Jeff, Mac, Noel, Lloyd and Ash had all agreed to end the squabble… for some reason, Fletch was there too.

"Fletch?" Aoife said, confused.

"What? I didn't say I hated you, did I? I just didn't want to be a part of your childish pranks."

"Hey!"

"Oh, get over it." Fletch laughed, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and giving her a friendly hug.

…..

"Right, down to business then?" Ash asked.

"Ash- I thought you were set on destroying Sam!"

"I was. But I need my job, and provided that Dr Nichols apologises…"

"Wait, SAM isn't apologising for anything!" Linda exclaimed.

Aoife glared at the men, "Dr Nichols hasn't done anything wrong. You want an apology? Get it off Tom, he's the one being a prick."

"Hey!" Lloyd exclaimed, "That is NOT fair."

"Uh, actually, it is. I thought we were all here to end the war. And the war is only going to end when TOM apologises." Fletch said.

The men all glared at him- apart from Jeff, who was nodding.

"He's right- we didn't really know what happened- we just decided to be all 'manly' and go all like 'Hey, we're men, he's a man, lets side with the dooshebag over Dr Nichols, who we all know is a generally decent and independent woman- who's probably not clingy at all!'"

"He has a point, mate." Noel nodded.

"I can't disagree, Jeffrey, I mean- we all know Dr Kent is a bit up 'imself, don't we?" Big Mac nodded.

"Hang on- I wasn't doing this to be all 'manly…'" Lloyd began.

He was immediately interrupted by Linda,

"No, you just have a very high opinion of yourself and some sort of opinion on everything! Which, by the way, we are all sick of hearing about."

"Wait, that is absolutely…"

"True!" chorused the whole room.

Lloyd went back to sulking in his chair, looking moody.

…..

The rest of the group continued to discuss their plan.

"Right, I've got it," Tamsin said, "Someone hold Tom still and I'll hit him in the face with a dead ferret until he confesses. While Sam watches."

"You what?" Linda laughed.

"What? It seems about as plausible as Louise's idea!"

"I just said we should get them to have a discussion- with one of team Tom and one of team Sam for backup!" Louise frowned.

"Exactly. My plan has all the stuff yours has. Stupidity, Dr Nichols and Dr Kent in the same room (which really comes under 'stupidity', to be honest), a lot of violence and a dead weasel (aka TOM.) Well, he'd be dead if he was locked in a room with Dr Nichols and only Noel to protect him." Tamsin smiled.

"Hey!" Noel exclaimed.

"Come off it, Noel, Dr Nichols is a MMA fighting, ex-army badass woman from hell. You're a receptionist who still plays with action figures." Aoife smirked.

"Okay, enough of the fighting, children!" Dixie interrupted, "Tamsin had a good idea."

"You want us to hit Tom with a dead ferret? Have one of those handy, do you Dix?" Jeff laughed, earning a swat from Dixie.

"No! About Dr Kent and Dr Nichols in the same room. It's stupid. I mean, like Jeff said, we don't know what happened between them- not really."

"We know enough!" Robyn, who had been silent up until then, exclaimed.

"Like what?" Fletch asked, "Fill me in. I've been pretty much unbiased, and uninvolved, so I reckon it's my decision what we KNOW."

Jamie sat up,

"Well, I heard both sides, so should I do the honours?" everyone nodded, "Okay. We all saw Dr Kent chatting up that blonde bird at the bar. Sam thought they were still together. Well, together-ish. Then, when she saw that, I guess she decided she wanted him out of her life so she went round to his house to collect her things. Tom gave her what she needed and Aoife thinks it might have been underwear, because the other woman stormed out in a huff. Tom started to call Sam 'clingy' and the men ignored her. She was upset and told Aoife and Robyn, who told Linda and me, and we told Dixie and Tamsin, Dixie told Louise and then Sam explained it to all of us later on. Apparently Tom told the boys that Sam went round there deliberately. He said she attacked the blonde woman and called her a whore. Sam says she didn't. Tom said that the blonde woman forgave him. Sam said the blonde woman felt annoyed and used, and apologised to Sam. You know the rest, Fletch."

Fletch thought for a bit,

"Right. So, if Tom was telling the truth then…"

"Dr Nichols needs to apologise." Ash said.

"And if Sam was telling the truth then that bastard will wish he was never born." Aoife murmured.

Fletch rolled his eyes at her,

"No, he'll apologise. But, to be fair, he accused Sam of deliberately destroying a relationship, attacking his new girlfriend and all because she was jealous. She accused him of cheating."

"SO, if he's the liar then what he did was awful. If Sam's the liar then she's just desperate and a little violent." Linda said.

"I can agree to that." Ash nodded. "And Tamsin- if that's true then I'll happily hold him still for you."

The group laughed. Apart from Lloyd, who was still sulking.

…..

"There's one problem." Aoife frowned, "How do we find out who the liar is… *cough* TOM *cough*!"

Fletch raised his eyebrows, but otherwise everyone ignored her hint.

"It's obvious, isn't it?"

"NO!" the whole room (even Lloyd) chorused.

"We ask the blonde bird."


	10. Tanya

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Hello! Thanks for the reviews, much appreciated! Right, I know some of you are confused about what happened so I'll explain it (if you do understand, skip the rest of the intro):**

**Sam came into work in floods of tears. Robyn and Aoife found her crying in the toilets and cheered her up. She told them that Tom and here WERE still an item, but he slept with the 'blonde bird' (who, as you'll find out, is called Tanya.)The day after she saw the two flirting, Sam apparently went round to Tom's house to collect her things because she didn't want anything to do with Tom. The blonde woman had been there overnight (and they weren't playing scrabble, if you know what I mean… *raises eyebrows suggestively*,) and she worked out that Sam and Tom were still together and stormed off, upset.**

**Meanwhile, Tom was telling the boys that Sam had deliberately ruined his chances with Tanya because she was jealous and clingy. He said that the relationship was already over.**

**The ED divided into 3 teams:**

**TEAM SAM: Sam (obviously), Dixie, Tamsin, Robyn, Aoife, Jamie (the only boy in team Sam!) Linda and Louise. Tess WAS team Sam but she became more neutral as the story went on… you'll find out why later! **

**TEAM ASSHOLE (ahem, I mean TOM): Tom (obvs again!), Jeff, Lloyd, Mac, Noel and later on, Ash. **

**NEUTRAL: Zoe (because she's the boss,) Fletch (because he thinks it's pathetic, and- although he believes Tom is in the wrong, he values his position) and later on, Tess.**

**The boys ignored Sam and the girls stuck up for her. Zoe tried to intervene but failed. The boys tried to throw eggs at Sam… they hit ZOE. The girls set Tom up with a mad old farmer with a psychotic sheep… that ate ZOE'S hair. Zoe is getting a bit fed up…**

**In the last 2 chapters, everyone but SAM, TOM, TESS, ZOE and CHARLIE met up to try and make up. They realised that they had no proof of how it actually started. Fletch has started mission: find the blonde bird, AKA 'What the HELL actually happened?' **

…**..**

"You ready?" Aoife asked Robyn.

"No."

"Me neither." Aoife sighed.

The two were stood outside Tanya's flat. It was grubby and dirty, with cigarette butts lining the floors and suspicious yellow stains up the walls.

"What d'you reckon she's like, then?" Robyn asked.

"I dunno- I mean, she must have some dignity, if she DID walk away, that is."

A voice came from behind the door.

"I ain't got yer bleedin' money! Gimme a few weeks and I'll… oh. Sorry 'bout that."

The two girls looked down and realised that the woman was looking out of her letterbox. They crouched down.

"What can I help you with?"

"I'm Aoife and this is Robyn. We're from Holby ED- we work with Tom Kent?" Aoife began.

"I'm Tanya. And I DO NOT want to hear about that bastard."

"Ah, well, you pretty much answered my question, but I'll ask it anyway- What happened the day after you stayed round at Dr Kent's house?" Aoife asked.

"What's it to ya?" Tanya asked, opening the door.

…..

Her flat was a little grubby, but she'd made it comfy. Paintings and posters covered the manky walls. The ratty old sofa was covered with a leopard print through and the table had been hand-painted black. It looked okay.

"So, what's all this about?" Tanya asked, sitting on the red, modern recliner, near the sofa that Robyn and Aoife were sat on.

"Dr Kent and Dr Nichols- the woman who came round the day after… y'know… well, anyway, they've fallen out. Badly. It's making work really difficult and everyone's taken sides. Do you mind if we record an interview with you? So we have evidence?"

"Feel free. I'll happily ruin that bastard."

Robyn began recording.

"So, Tanya, how did you meet Tom?"

"He came up to me in a bar and chatted me up. I thought he was with that scary-looking woman- I'm guessin' that's your Dr Nichols?"

"Can you describe the woman?" Aoife asked.

She had been warned by Jeff, Fletch and Linda that even the slightest details were important. And, as she wanted Dr Kent to have to apologise- hopefully in a grovelling, embarrassing way- Aoife was going to get EVERY detail.

"She was short and skinny… except she was sort of muscly, like she exercised a lot. Um… she had long, strawberry blonde hair. It was almost straight but a little wavy- like it had been tied up in a bun. She looked scary and violent… the sort of woman that wins all the fights she gets in? She came in with Tom, lookin' a little harassed. I heard someone call 'er Sam?"

"That'd be Dr Nichols," Aoife nodded, "Can you tell us what happened next?"

"Your Dr Nichols walked out. I'd just been dumped and when Tom started flirtin' with me I was flattered. So flattered I went home with him. I shouldn't have. I'll tell you something- your Dr Nichols must either be really patient or really easily pleased- cos Tom wasn't that good in the 'bedroom department.'"

"Ugh! Too many details!" Robyn groaned, hiding behind a pillow. Aoife filmed that, too.

"Anyway, what happened the morning after you'd slept together?"

"The door rang, early in the morning. That Sam of yours was stood there, lookin' ready to cry. Tom appeared behind me and I could tell that he'd never broken up with 'er. It was the look on his face. Like he was guilty, but he didn't care- y'know, like when a cat kills a mouse and leaves it at your feet. The way it looks at you? It was the same way he looked at her. She asked for her things and he threw some clothes into a carrier bag, then gave them to 'er. At the last moment, as she was about to go, he threw a bra in her face. The poor thing went bright red. I just left there and then, told 'er I was sorry- that I had no idea… then there was shouting and a noise, like a shove, and I heard a yelp. It sounded like he'd shoved her over."

"That bastard…" Aoife muttered.

She looked at the camera and all three women realised that she'd recorded her last sentence.

"Oops." She smiled, "Anyway, Tanya, could you tell us who you blame for this?"

"Tom! He didn't finish with her properly, had a one night stand then treated us both like shit! And you tell him- I am NOT his girlfriend, and I do NOT want to see him again."

"Thanks, Tanya." Aoife smiled. "That'll help A LOT."

…..

Aoife and Robyn returned to the B&B. They played the tape and everyone watched and listened in silence. When it ended, the first person to speak was Tamsin.

"Right, where's my ferret?"

Noel smirked and went to say something.

"Noel, just don't. Okay? Just don't." Louise smirked.

"What?" Tamsin asked, "All I said was… oh. I get it. Very mature."

The group laughed.

"Ok, down to business." Fletch said, "What do we do now? We know that Tom has to be the one to apologise… but how do we make him?"

"We don't." Aoife said. "We make him feel bad, then get him to make it up to Sam."

"We want them to get back together." Robyn said.

"WHY?!" the group chorused.

"Because Dr Nichols won't be happy without him. You might have missed it, but we didn't. We looked back into her window and she was curled up into a ball, sat on the sofa… crying over a picture of Tom."

The group fell silent, thinking. Then, Linda jumped up, making everyone else jump.

"We need to get them to talk. Alone. With no space for a fight. Somewhere that we can monitor them without them knowing. Somewhere where they have to talk."

"I don't like where this is going…" Dixie murmured.

"We lock them in a store cupboard." Linda finished.


	11. Traitor in the mix

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Thanks for all the reviews, as always! They really help and encourage me to write more. I hope you enjoy the next chapter! (btw the ninja bit REALLY happened while I was on a ski trip in Austria. Basically, a friend and I got lost in the FREEZING COLD, about 7/8 miles from our resort, with heavy skis we couldn't carry. We called our teacher on his emergency number 6 TIMES and he never answered! Eventually we made our own way back to the bus stop (getting lost a couple of times) and found our bus driver, who took us to our teacher. Yeah, anyway, back to the ninja thing- when we got back we found out that the boys in our friendship group HAD my friend's number but SAID she didn't have her phone. She DID. So, naturally, we went to their room to kill them. On the way, another friend of ours decided to be a ninja- rolling down the stairs and generally being silly. In the middle of a kickass ninja roll, she stopped… because she'd crashed into our teachers legs. She just looked up and went "**_**Hello."**_**)  
…..**

"Linda, you genius!" Aoife smiled.

Linda looked pleased with herself… then Aoife finished her sentence.

"I mean, its practically flawless! An angry Dr Nichols, in a small space with Dr Kent… with needles…"

"And scalpels…" Tamsin joined in.

"And potentially dangerous medication…" Ash joined in.

"Okay! Okay, I get it! We'll take everything out the cupboard beforehand!"

"Tess is gunna love you for that," Noel smiled.

"And Zoe will enjoy having two members of her staff held prisoner in a cupboard…" Ash grinned.

He was beginning to enjoy this…

But, like all great organisations, there was a traitor in the mix.

…..

Lloyd rose from his chair.

"Yeah, well, I've got to go- I promised Tess I'd be in this… meeting… so, uh, yeah… bye."

He left the room, and everyone sat, in silence, staring after him.

"Well, that a bullshit." Aoife murmured, when he was out of earshot.

"Let's follow him…" Tamsin smirked.

…..

The group crept out the room in a long line, hiding behind each other. All of a sudden, Aoife (who was in the front of the line,) stopped. The rest of the group all crashed into each other.

"Ow! Dixie, that was my foot!"  
"Watch it!"  
"ARGH!"

Jeff fell onto the laundry trolley that had been abandoned by the B&B owner, and it flew backwards, all the way along the corridor… until he crashed into the lift doors.

"If any of you ever consider a career in MI5, let me give you a little bit of advice- reconsider, quickly."

The group groan and mumble, but they were soon interrupted by Aoife.

"He's headed to the ED! He's going to tell someone!"

"Who?" Fletch asked, frowning.

"Zoe wouldn't listen to him." Linda nodded.

"Not Zoe- TOM! He's working today!"

"The sneaky, lying, son-of-a…" Tamsin grew angrier and angrier, until Dixie rested a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry, Tamz, we'll get him before he can."

The group followed Lloyd, all the way to the ED.

…..

They saw him walk up to Tom, who was stood outside.

"Hey, Tom, you'll never guess what…"

Jamie stood up from behind the car they were all hiding behind.

"Hey! Lloyd, Can you… um… help me with something? Tess wants me to… erm… well, she's arranged this scenario for me, Robyn and Aoife…"

The two girls stood up, too.

"Hello…" Robyn smiled.

The rest of the group struggled not to giggle at them.

"Er, yeah, sure… just give me a second, Jamie…"

"No, now."

"You'd better go, Lloyd, we'll talk afterwards." Tom smiled, heading back inside.

"If I haven't ripped out his tongue before then…" Louise, who was behind the car, growled.

…..

Meanwhile, Zoe was in her office. It had been a stressful week, what with Tom and Sam and the rest of her staff… and Ash being a complete ass… something needed to be done. Ash had to go. She called Tess and Charlie into her office.

"Hello, this is more serious than I thought…" Charlie muttered, as he and Tess reached the door at the same time.

They could see Zoe, sitting at her desk, looking PISSED OFF. Slightly scared, Charlie opened the door, letting Tess hide behind him.

"Dr Hanna, what seems to be the problem?" Charlie asked.

"Dr Ashford. HE'S the problem."

"Uh oh…" Tess murmured.

"What?!"

"Well, I agree with you totally, but given how immature Ash was about the Dr Nichols vs Dr Kent scenario…" Tess began to explain.

"I can see this turning into another war." Charlie finished. "So, may I make a suggestion- before this turns into another egg-throwing, attack of the crazy sheep etc. etc."

"Go ahead." Zoe grimaced.

"Solve this war first, so you have an empty battleground for this one…"

"And a bigger army. If you were to tell Ash off now, he's still got the men on his side. If you were to wait, then the loyalty to you will come back. Ash won't be able to pull one of his popularity tricks on you." Tess finished Charlie's explanation for him.

"Okay," Zoe sighed, "I'm with you. But how do I solve the war?"

"Well, I guess you force them to talk about it. But before that, I think you need to sort one teeny, tiny problem out." Charlie looked out the door.

"What's that?" Zoe asked, confused.

"Tamsin, Aoife, Linda, Fletch and Robyn may be about to commit murder…"

…..

Tamsin, Aoife, Linda, Fletch and Robyn weren't going to commit murder… Dixie and Jeff were stood by the door to make sure things didn't get too out of hand. But Lloyd was in deep, deep trouble.

"You lying bastard…" Aoife hissed.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb, Lloyd, we know what you were going to tell Tom. Don't you WANT this fight to end?"

"Dr Nichols is still to blame, if you ask me." Lloyd frowned.

"Yeah, well no one DID ask you. So shut up and sit down." Linda scowled.

Lloyd sat on the bed, looking frightened.

"Right, Lloyd-y boy, let's have a little chat about loyalty, eh?" Tamsin smirked, moving closer to the bed.

Lloyd whimpered.

…..

"I'm going to scan the perimeter for rogue weasels…" Aoife muttered, leaving the room.

In truth, she had just seen Robyn and wanted to let her know what was going on.

"Hey! Robyn, guess what! Lloyd went to tell Tom all about our plan- we were right! Tams is gonna get him."

"Good!" Robyn smiled, "You'd better keep an eye out for the boss…"

Aoife smirked, and headed to Zoe's office… ninja style. She snuck towards it in a ridiculous crouch, rolling now and again and humming the mission: impossible theme tune. She went to roll, ninja style, towards the boss' door… Unfortunately, Zoe was just leaving her office. Aoife stopped mid-roll, and tripped Zoe over.

"ARGH!" the boss cried as she fell on top of Aoife.

The ED became a mix of gasps, giggles and whispers.

…..


	12. Zoe's personality transplant!

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Woo! Thanks to everyone for reviewing, I'm sorry the last chapter took so long! It really helps to see what you have to say. Feel free to message me for spoilers, or with ideas, or just chatting! Whatever, really (: **

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Zoe shrieked.

Tess and Charlie helped her up, raising their eyebrows at Aoife, warning her of Zoe's bad mood. Aoife stood up and brushed the front of her scrubs.

"Dr Hanna! I am so sorry… An elderly lady lost her earring on the way up to a different ward, and I was looking for it."

"Oh, and did she lose it IN MY OFFICE?!" Zoe growled.

"No, no… Mac, Noel and I looked everywhere she went, so we guessed it had rolled away- then we got a bit desperate… I think Noel looked in the men's bathroom at one point. I'm so sorry."

Zoe looked at Aoife, taking in her frightened, apologetic face. She remembered what Tess and Charlie had told her. Ash wouldn't ever lose it with a nurse over something like this. He'd laugh, help them up, check they were okay and offer to help; she had to be better than Ash if she wanted her staff to be on her side.

"Don't worry, Aoife." Zoe extended a hand to help her up, "Are you okay?"

Aoife nodded, confused and slightly scared.

"Fine… I'm really sorry…"

"Don't worry about it, nobody's hurt, right? Well, obviously they ARE hurt because this is an ED, and if no one here was hurt then we'd be out of a job…"

Zoe tried to laugh, but it sounded strained and awkward. She blushed at the weird stares she was getting.

"Look, never mind. It happens. I'll keep an eye out for that earring!" Zoe smiled.

She hurried away, the whole ED staring at her, and hid in the bathroom.

…..

Meanwhile, Sam was still at home. She had decided to cheer herself up with a glass of wine… okay, a bottle… and a few chocolates… okay, a box. Sam looked around for the scariest, least romantic film she could find.

"Ugh…" she groaned, as she realised that she'd leant most of her horror movies to Tom.

"Fine. I'll watch a comedy."

She settled on Hot Fuzz, which was kind of a horror movie… oh, well, at least there was no romance.

Watching a whole comedy film without laughing once, drinking a whole bottle of white wine and eating a whole box of chocolates were the actions of a lonely woman… and Sam knew it. She turned off the film and cried.

…..

Meanwhile, at work, Big Mac and Noel had made up a story to tell Tess, so they could empty the cupboard. They had overheard Zoe and Charlie talking about the football match tomorrow and how they'd need every member of staff, because of the likely trouble.

"Hey, Tess?" Noel called from the desk.

Tess walked up to the desk, glad to leave the scene of the embarrassing incident with Aoife and Zoe.

"Yes, Noel?"

"Mac and I just needed to run something past you,"

"Yes?"

"Well, you see," Mac said, looking serious, "After that football match caused havoc in 'ere, Noel and I reckon we need to be a bit better prepared for the next match. It's tomorrow and the two teams are notorious for their squabblin'."

"I know," Tess frowned.

"Last time, I caught some of the fans in the store cupboard round the corner. I reckon we need to move all the dangerous stuff out of there, scalpels and such, and make it more secure."

"Okay, I like the idea." Tess nodded, "Good thinking. How long will it take?"

"Ooh, about an hour, I should think." Noel and Mac nodded at each other.

"Okay… but try and be a little quicker than that." Tess nodded, leaving them alone.

The two snuck into the store cupboard with a backpack.

…..

When inside, the pair shut the door and began to rig up a hidden camera and microphone… with a direct link to Jamie's laptop. He was going to set it up in the staffroom for them to monitor it in their breaks. The pair then removed all the dangerous objects and put them in the more secure storeroom, near triage.

Robyn looked around the door, "Did you do it?"

"Yeah," they grinned.

"Good, because you won't have time later. Some of the footie fans will arrive in Holby tonight. Expect some drunken fights, Tess said." Robyn passed the message on from her boss.

"Oh, brilliant." They sighed, heading back into reception.

No one in the ED liked a footie day.

…..

However, luckily for them, it was a quiet night. Charlie had called it 'the calm before the storm'. This phrase had been passed between the nursing staff and mocked in funny, ominous voices. Charlie didn't know about the mockery… until Jamie did a rather excellent impression… and Charlie appeared behind him. Luckily, Charlie was in a good mood, and he laughed it off. They all got to go home early (except for the night staff, of course.)

Robyn, Aoife and Jamie had decided to stay together- in Aoife's flat. She had the most reliable car and as Zoe's exact words were,

"Be late and I will make it my one and only task in life to make sure you deal with anyone who walks through that door who smells, looks drunk, looks violent or has anything contagious."

They weren't going to be late. NO WAY. Aoife's flat had 2 rooms- the 'main room', with a sofabed, kitchen and small dining table (Robyn and Jamie were sleeping on the floor,) and the bathroom. There were 15 alarm clocks (10 of which were donated by the ED staff as a joke, because the three were often late) set on full volume around the 'main room.'

…..

At night, the three lay in their beds and talked about the events of the last few days. They were choosing their favourite moments of the week.

"Tamsin and the ferret. Got to be. I laughed so hard at that one." Aoife smirked to herself.

"What happened to Lloyd was hilarious!" Jamie laughed.

"Oh, yeah, what DID happen to Lloyd?" Aoife asked.

"Tamsin had a right go at him!" Robyn laughed, "And then he said something like 'well, I still don't like Dr Nichols…"

Jamie took over, because Robyn was laughing so much, "Then Tess walked in and said, 'well, well, what do we have here? Lloyd? Why are YOU the only one still joining in with the fighting? Tell you what, you take a week off. In that time, go back to primary school and make some friends who are just as childish as you."

Aoife laughed, "then what?"

"He apologised and left in a hurry. Before he got home, Dixie stole his mobile. Everyone knows his home phone doesn't work!"

"Oh, my, god." Aoife gasped, "What if he needs to contact someone?"

"Morse code?" Jamie suggested.

They all fell about laughing, then fell asleep.

…..

The next day at work, the gang met at the entrance to the ED.

"Action stations." Linda commanded, and they all headed to various places around the ED.

Dixie and Jeff had found enough walkie talkies for them all. When Sam walked in, Robyn (who was smoking by the door) pressed the button on her walkie talkie.

"Target acquired. Dr Nichols is just entering the ED, over."

She had to press a hand over her mouth to stop herself laughing.

"Received," Linda replied.

Linda saw her enter the ED. She knew what she had to do. She hurried past her and dropped all the papers in her hand, falling over.

"Linda, are you okay?"

"No, Sam, not really. I'm so busy! And I can't find my phone. I'm going to check the ladies, I don't suppose you could look in the store cupboard, could you?" Linda asked, impressed with her own acting.

"Sure, no problem." Sam said, helping her friend up and going into the store cupboard.

"Got her." Linda informed the rest of the group.

…..

What happened next was pure luck. Tom poked his head out of cubicles.

"Hey, Noel, have you seen my phone? I've dropped it."

"Nah, mate. But I did hear something ringing in the store cupboard."

"Cheers," Tom smiled, going to check.

He opened the cupboard. His eyes met with Sam's. They glared at each other for a second, opened their mouths to speak… Then Linda, Fletch, Tamsin and Dixie shoved Tom in and locked the door.

They hurried to the staffroom to watch the drama unfold.


	13. A cupboard and a confession

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Hello! Thanks so much for the reviews and PMs, you guys make me smile! I hope you don't mind the slightly soppy bit at the end of this chapter, I promise I'll make it up to those of you who don't like it with some more, funny, sarcastic bits! xxxx**

…..

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Sam growled.

"Wrong with ME? You're the…"

"If you dare call me a stalker I'll break your nose."

"What, can't cope with the truth?" Tom smirked, leaning back against the cupboard wall.

"You bastard." Sam muttered, looking at the floor.

Tom just smirked and looked her up and down. He sneered at her.

"Well, is it any wonder I left you?"

"You NEVER left me! That's what caused this whole damn mess- for christ's sake Tom. You KNOW what really happened and you know you lied to the others!"

"So?" Tom laughed, "They still believe me!"

"How could you! For once, I thought I'd found someone who…"

Her voice trailed off. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.

"Who loved you?" Tom sneered, sarcastically, "Who would love you and protect you forever and ever? Who would ignore your flaws and be your little slave?"

"NO! I thought you were the one person in my life who was sleeping with me because they liked ME."

"Who would?" Tom smirked.

Sam rose to her full height.

"YOU are a pathetic, childish little boy who thinks of no one but himself!"

She punctuated her sentence with a punch to Tom's smug little face.

…..

"OH… MY… GOD." Robyn whispered, staring wide-eyed at the laptop screen.

Dixie, Tamsin, Jeff, Robyn, Aoife and Fletch were crowded round the laptop screen. Aoife, Tamsin and Robyn were sat on the floor. Jeff and Dixie were sat on the sofa behind them, and Fletch was sat on the chair's arm.

Tamsin laughed quietly to herself.

"Nice one…"

"His nose is bleeding," Aoife noticed, "Tess'll see the blood."

"There'll be a LOT more blood on him when I get to him, the smug, pathetic bastard." Tamsin growled.

"Oh, yeah!" Dixie smiled, "That reminds me… we got you this."

Dixie leant over behind Tamsin and dangled a stuffed weasel in front of her nose. Tamsin yelped and wiggled out the way.

"Eek! Dix, what the hell?"

"It's a weasel- for you to hit Tom with!" Jeff laughed.

Tamsin took the stuffed animal and looked at it.

"I suppose it's sorta cute… in a dead weasely sort of way…"

She sat with it in her lap as they continued to watch the laptop.

…..

Back in the cupboard, Tom was staggering around, clutching his face.

"You HIT me!"

"You deserved it." Sam crossed her arms and glared at him.

"You're a bitch."

"Oh, we're back to the insults, are we?" Sam sighed, "Honestly, Tom, you're like a pathetic schoolboy. Full of yourself… when, to be honest, I had a better time in the bedroom with Dylan. And we barely ever slept together."

"You just proved me right. You see… YOU, Dr Nichols, are just a little bit thick- but you have _other ways _of getting what you want." Tom looked Sam up and down like she was a piece of dirt.

Sam punched him again, harder.

…..

Meanwhile, in the ED, it was mayhem. Football fans were fighting, running around, flirting drunkenly with nurses and generally being annoying. Fletch snuck up to Tess and gave her the horn she had used to get the football fans' attention last time. She smiled at him, but at the same time she narrowed her eyes into a glare.

"Thanks."

She stood on a chair and pressed the button on the horn, making the loudest farting noise ever. Fletch broke down into fits of laughter.

"FLETCH!" Tess yelled, throwing the horn at his head.

"Ow," he whined, "It got their attention, didn't it?"

Tess looked around. Yup, everyone was looking at her!

"Right, you lot, CALM DOWN AND SIT DOWN!" she pointed to the chairs.

"Uh, oh…" Fletch whispered to Linda, "She's losing it…"

"Well done, genius."

…..

In the staffroom, Jamie had taken over from Fletch and was watching the 'cupboard scenario' with Aoife, Tamsin and Robyn. Jeff and Dixie had had to go.

"_You are a psychotic cow! And you wonder why I dumped you!"_

"_I'm psychotic?! You're manipulative, a compulsive liar, violent and childish. In fact, remind me to talk to my friends in the psychiatric unit!"_

"_Oh, your 'friends'? Have many of those, do you?"_

There was an animalistic growl as Sam threw Tom into a shelf.

"_You crazy cow!"_

"He's really having a bad time, isn't he?" Jamie smirked.

"Time to start phase 2, I think…" Tamsin smiled mischievously.

…

Phase 1: Lock Sam and Tom in the cupboard and see what happens. If they make up, let them out. Make sure they discuss what happened (even if it's only 'you lied!' 'no, you lied!'

If phase 1 does not result in kiss-and-make-up, then move on to phase 2.

Phase 2: Use the small speaker system Mac and Noel set up to announce what you're doing and why. Tell them that you've talked to Tanya and you know what happened.

Phase 3: Send in Tamsin and the dead ferret/weasel (if neither a dead ferret nor weasel can be found, a large cricket bat may be substituted.)

…..

In the cupboard, Sam and Tom were ready to kill each other. Then a voice came from nowhere.

"_Tom? Sam? This is Tamsin. Basically, everyone but Lloyd and you two have formed a truce. Together, we investigated what you claimed had happened. We asked Tanya- the bird that Tom was shagging. Someone's been a naughty boy, haven't they Tom? Now, are you going to apologise to Dr Nichols or am I going to come down there and hit you myself?"_

Sam glared at Tom. Tom glared back.

"I'm SORRY, okay?"

"_Like you mean it, asshole." _

"I'm very, very sorry Dr Nichols, I was mean and cruel and nasty and you're just so LOVELY and you didn't deserve it at all and…"

This time, Aoife's voice came from the speakers,

"_You really are a bastard, you know that?!"_

"_Aoife, gimme the microphone!"_

"_NO!"_

"_Give it to 'im, Aoife." _

"_Ugh, FINE!"_

There was a crackle as Aoife passed the microphone to Jamie.

"_Hi, it's Jamie. Look, Dr Kent, what you did really hurt Dr Nichols… in fact… Sam, you tell him. Tell him how he hurt you."_

Sam's eyes found the camera and she looked directly into it.

"Why? Why should I?"

"_So then, if he apologises or not, he won't be able to escape what he did."_

"Okay," Sam took a deep breath. "You hurt me badly, Tom. Really badly. I thought you loved me, cared for me… wanted me as a friend as well as a lover. And we WERE still together when you slept with her. That was…" Sam began to choke with tears, "… agony. I just wanted to get away from you. So I went round to your house late in the morning… I assumed she'd be gone. But she was there. I couldn't just LEAVE- so I asked for my clothes. You had hurt me enough, so why did you carry on?! You humiliated me at work, made me feel worthless. Tom, why did you do it?"

Tom sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I was the desperate one. I wanted to see if you still loved me. It was never meant to end up with Tanya and I sleeping together, but I was very, very drunk. And I am so, so sorry now. I thought that if I treated you the same way you were treating me, you'd come back. When you didn't I just felt so betrayed… I was so mean to you, wasn't I? Sam?"

"You were a complete asshole," Sam said, choking slightly.

"I'm so, so sorry."

Tom reached out and pulled her towards him. He held her close and kissed the top of her head. She didn't pull away or fight him. She buried her face in his chest and slowly, she stopped crying. When she did, she looked up at him,

"This is your last chance, do that again and I'll hit you so hard you wake up in resus."

"Understood." Tom smiled.

"_Erm… guys… camera?" _Tamsin's voice warned, laughing.

"Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. Tamsin, turn off that bloody camera and open this door or so help me I WILL KILL YOU."

"_Understood. Oh, and by the way, Lloyd tried to stop us arranging this little kiss-and-make-up session. Tess sent him home… I reckon we should play one last celebratory practical joke…"_

…..

**THIS IS NOT THE END! Keep reading for Lloyd torturing, drunken mistakes and THE DEAD FERRET! Oh, and Zoe vs Ash…**

**xxxxxxxxx**


	14. Celebration Time!

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Hey! Thanks for all the reviews- but I reckon some of you got a little confused. There are going to be a few more chapters, not one more, so all that stuff I mentioned would be happening last time won't be happening all at once! And yes, I know that's almost impossible to understand!**

…**..**

Tamsin, Aoife, Robyn and Jamie ran out of the staffroom, towards the store cupboard. Mac and Noel saw them and guessed what was going on. They joined the group. Linda was stood a little bit further away.

"Linda! Get the key!"

Linda looked at them and smiled.

"What happened?"

"Jamie had an amazing idea," Tamsin smiled, "We used the speaker system and he told Sam to tell Tom how he made her feel. He explained why he'd done it and apologised. Then they hugged and they're going to help us get Lloydy boy back for trying to tell tales on us."

"Well done, Jamie!" Linda gave him a friendly hug. "Let's go let them out before Tess or Zoe find them!"

"Until I find who?"

The group turn round, looking guilty.

"Um…"

"Oh, shit…" Aoife whispered, "We're dead."

"Look, just tell me." Tess sighed.

"We locked Dr Kent and Dr Nichols in the store cupboard together. They argued a lot, and Dr Kent is a little bit broken, but if you ignore those details then it was highly successful.

"How?" Tess' voice was low and threatening.

"Dr Kent apologised. They talked it through and they're together again."

Tess looked surprised,

"I have GOT to see this."

…..

A rather large group of ED staff had formed around the cupboard. But when they unlocked it, Sam and Tom didn't even notice. They were locked in a long, passionate kiss. Both had their eyes closed… they were oblivious to the world around them.

"Ahem."

They both recognised Tess' voice and pulled away from each other, red-faced.

"Ah," Tom ran his hand through his hair, "Tess… um…"

He couldn't finish his sentence. A cheer went up. It started with the less-restrained members of the ED staff (Linda, Fletch, Mac, Noel, Tamsin, Dixie and Jeff.) Then the rest of the staff joined in. Then the football fans, wrapped up in the excitement of the match and a little drunk, joined in too. Then Mac, Jeff, Fletch, Dixie and Tamsin picked Sam and Tom up, and between them managed to hold her up. Louise had been in the girls' bathroom, and when she came out and saw the scene before her, she guessed what had happened. She wanted to join in with the cheering, shouting and excitement… but she had bumped into someone in the bathroom. And if that someone saw what was going on out in the lobby then…

…..

"What the HELL is going on out here?!"

Too late.

The cheering stop. Noel hurried to turn off the radio that someone had turned up during the celebrations. Tess and Charlie looked at each other.

"Oh, dear." Charlie whispered. "Do you want to leg it?"

"Too late, she's seen us."

The football fans sensed the danger and sat down as if nothing had happened. The ED staff hadn't been able to lift Tom very far off the ground so he didn't fall far when they let go of him… but Sam, being so light, had been lifted above the shoulders of the ED staff, in a sitting position. So when they let go, she fell onto the floor with a crash.

"Sam! Are you okay?!" Zoe asked, concerned.

They had all heard the 'crunch' as she landed.

"No… not really… I think I've broken my wrist." Sam sighed, looking down at her swollen lower arm.

Tom held her good hand and helped her up. He wrapped his arm round her face and gently examined her wrist.

"She's right, it's broken. If it's okay with you, I'll patch her up." He said to Zoe.

Zoe was completely and utterly confused.

"Um… yeah… um… okay, Tom… er…"

Tom and Sam smiled and went off to cubicles together.

…..

"Can somebody tell me what's going on… because either things have changed drastically or I am going INSANE, and need to send myself off to the psychiatric unit."

Linda was the first to emerge from the crowd. She was smiling at Zoe reassuringly- it was the same smile she gave nervous patients.

"Don't worry, you haven't gone mad. We locked Sam and Tom in a cupboard and they made up… with a little help from Tamsin and Jamie, that is."

Zoe looked baffled, then angry, then amused, then exhausted.

"You know what, don't bother. Let's get today over with so I can go home, have a glass of wine and go to bed."

"Oh, no you don't," Fletch smiled, stepping out of the crowd. "We ALL owe you a drink, for being a crappy team and leaving you two doctors, four nurses and a paramedic short for most of this shift."

"And for the egg incident…" Jeff stood next to Fletch.

"And the sheep incident…" Tamsin joined them.

The rest of the staff joined in with a chorus of everything they had done wrong over the past few weeks. Zoe held her hands up in surrender.

"Okay, okay!" She laughed, "We can all go to the pub afterwards!"

She then thought about Ash, and how he'd use this against her.

"But you don't have to buy me a drink."

…..

"Aww, yes we do!" Linda laughed, nudging her.

"C'mon," Tamsin smiled, "We want to."

"I'd accept it, it's a once in a lifetime chance!" Louise raised her eyebrows.

"Oi, you, we're very nice people thanks." Noel smirked.

There was a lot of good natured banter as they got back to work.

…..

Meanwhile, in cubicles, Sam and Tom were chatting as he put her arm in a cast.

"Do you remember the last time I had to patch you up?"

"You were a smug git that day." Sam smirked.

"I know. I'm sorry- I pushed you away. I was punishing you for something you weren't even doing."

"What?" Sam frowned.

"I thought you were pushing _me _away."

Sam sighed,

"Tom, I just needed some space. After Dylan left it felt like everyone blamed me. And… I didn't love him the way I loved you… it's the same protective love that you have for an old friend, but it hurt me. Because loving anyone, with any sort of love, is the worst thing ever when they don't love you back. That's why I was so grumpy."

Tom stopped what he was doing and gave her a hug. When he felt the happiness come back to her, he pulled away and looked down at her.

"So it had nothing to do with the fact you were in a rather compromising position?"

Sam looked up at him.

"Don't you dare…"

Tom grinned mischievously, "I mean, it wasn't like I hadn't seen that before but…"

"Say anything else and I WILL break your nose." Sam frowned.

Tom looked down at her semi-bandaged wrist,

"Not with that you won't."

Sam sighed exasperatedly and sat back on the bed. She let him finish putting the first part of the cast on.

"Now, which colour would you like?"

"Piss off."

…..

Sadly, Zoe got a call from upstairs- she had to get a load of paperwork done by tomorrow morning. Tess and Charlie had to go to a meeting. Zoe smiled at the disappointed group,

"Right. Everyone keep tomorrow night free, we'll go to a proper bar. All of us. And you can buy me that drink I was promised."

The atmosphere lifted and the group were happy. After Zoe, Tess and Charlie had gone, Tamsin and Aoife (who had become good friends over the past few weeks- or 'partners in crime' as Jeff called them) stopped the others.

Tamsin was looking especially mischievous,

"Well, as we're not getting pissed tonight, I know exactly what we could do."

"What?" Linda asked.

"Make Lloyd piss HIMSELF." Aoife raised her eyebrows.

Sam, with Tom's arms wrapped round her from behind, smiled,

"This wouldn't be the revenge on Lloyd for trying to stop us two making up?"

"And being an ass to Jamie," Linda added, "Don't think we haven't noticed."

She nodded at Jamie, letting him know they were on his side.

"Oh, yes, this is about Lloyd all right," Tamsin grinned, "I have a plan. But we're going to need all of you, a lot of makeup… and the dead ferret."

…..


	15. The Haunting of Lloyd Asike

**Battle of the Sexes**

**I literally could not wait to write this! This has been my favourite prank idea so far! Thanks for reviewing- so far I've been told that you want them to make up (so they have) that you want Aoife to be given more to say etc. (so I've tried, but there's more good Aoife parts of this fic still to come!) Feel free to suggest improvements and ask for more of a certain characters!**

…**..**

The group headed back to Tamsin's house. None of them had been there before. When they arrived, they were slightly taken aback by the interior-designed, modern style of the place.

"Wow…" Aoife whispered, "How the hell could you afford this?!"

"Don't go there," Jeff laughed, "Tamsin's EVIL mother left it to her in her will, after she died."

"She was an alcoholic who used to leave me alone at night to go out and get pissed, sometimes not coming home the next day, and other times she would bring strangers home with her! Strange men who were drunk and rude and perverted. So excuse me if I don't like her much. Now, let's move on before I kill Jeff. With a dead ferret."

"What IS that ferret thing about?" Sam asked.

Tom was stood behind her, holding her in his arms. The two had been stuck together like glue since they'd made up.

"Basically it has become Tamsin's new weapon of choice." Dixie smiled.

Tamsin pulled the stuffed ferret out of her bag and hit Jeff over the head with it.

"Ow!"

"See, it works brilliantly."

Tom smiled,

"Right, well, before things get any weirder, what is your plan?"

…..

Robyn had been a willing volunteer. She, Aoife and Tamsin left the room together, and returned a few minutes later. Dressed as zombies.

"This. Is. Brilliant." Robyn grinned, "Wait until you hear their plan."

"Basically, Lloyd is living in a caravan on a mate's campsite while they fix a problem with his flat. We called the campsite, pretending to be customers- they only have one caravan rented out. The one Lloyd is in. He's on his own, in a field."

"That's brilliant." Fletch laughed, "We're going to scare him shitless!"

"Exactly. Right, costumes are in there, boys go through to get changed first."

…

The boys left the room. They returned in torn clothes. The girls then went out and also got changed, into similar clothes. Except they had been more careful in ripping the top, and the clothes themselves were women's clothes.

"Right, everyone get made up."

Tom and Sam, of course, paired up, painting scars and cuts and rotting flesh onto each other, using brown eyeshadow for dirt. The others all worked together too. When they finished, they all looked disgusting… but realistic. Tamsin had brought proper stage makeup. She had also brought Zombie contact lenses, which they all put in.

Tamsin looked outside the window,

"Taxi's here!"

…..

After a long journey, they all reached the caravan sight. They had to climb a steep cliff to get to the caravan undetected- which was difficult for Sam, with her broken arm. When they reached the top, they saw that only one caravan had the lights on. Tamsin pulled out a phone and handed it to Aoife.

"You know what to do."

Aoife dialled a number and held the phone up to her ear. She put on her best frightened voice,

"Lloyd? It's Aoife. Listen, whatever you do, don't go outside…"

"Aoife, what's going on?"

"I'm at the ED… someone came in with a weird virus… but it wasn't a virus… look, Lloyd, you'll think I'm mental but everyone's turned into… zombies… and they're coming to get me. And you. They're headed to your caravan sight, I don't know why, but for some reason they want all the ED staff first… Lloyd, I'm frightened… they're going to kill me!"

"Look, calm down, how long 'till they get to me?" Lloyd asked, self-obsessed as always.

"Oh, god, they're here… it's Linda and Fletch… listen, you're the only one left… everyone else has changed… oh god, oh god!"

Tamsin made snarling noises into the phone, then dropped it on the ground. Then they hung up.

"You two," Linda smiled, "Are geniuses."

…..

They crept up round the caravan and peered in. Lloyd was packing a suitcase.

"Right, I'll go first, then the rest of you pop up at the windows… Mac, Noel, Dixie, try and get inside."

Tamsin stood up and flung herself at a window, making Lloyd yelp. She began to moan and claw at the glass. She was an excellent actress… but not as good as Aoife.

She climbed up onto the caravan, with the help of Jamie and Robyn, and leant over the edge. She lowered her head so she was looking, upside-down, into one of the windows- the one Lloyd was looking out of.

He screamed and fell back against the other side of the caravan, at which Sam, Tom and Linda began to throw themselves, zombie like. Mac managed to trick the lock on the door, and the ED staff began to pour inside, some staying outside to rock the caravan from side to side. Lloyd began to scream.

When the group finally had him surrounded, he curled up into a ball and whimpered.

The group all burst out laughing.

…..

Tom helped Lloyd up and gave him a pat on the back.

"We're even, okay?"

Lloyd nodded, still in a daze. Sam, Linda and Robyn sat him down and made him a cup of tea. He sipped it nervously, and when he got over the shock, he began to laugh quietly, then louder… then they all joined in.

"I guess I deserved that." He laughed. "Sorry for trying to stop you two making up."

Tom wrapped an arm round Sam,

"It didn't work," Tom said.

He and Sam kissed quickly.

"And Jamie… I'm sorry, mate. I guess it just took me by surprise, I didn't know how to deal with you, whether I should treat you differently or not… but I get it now.

"Don't worry about it," Jamie shrugged, "You're not the first and you won't be the last. But, you've apologised and worked it out."

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising!" Tamsin hit Lloyd over the head with the dead ferret.

"Where did that thing come from? Actually, forget I asked."

"Look, Lloyd, before things get even more awkward, we're all going down the pub tomorrow after work, and as it's your first day back at work you can come too!" Linda smiled.

Lloyd smiled round at them all.

"Sounds great."

…..

**More chapters, with more pranks and dead ferret incidents still to come!**

**xxxx**


	16. No Ferrets Allowed!

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Woo! Thank you all so much for reviewing, reading them makes me so happy and helps with this fic. Now, I've been asked a couple of times if Aoife could hurt herself so someone notices her more, and also asked for there to be more about Zoe. Well, my dear reviewers, your dreams have come true! (but trust me, it'll still be funny in places, I haven't gone all serious with you guys haha!) **

…**..**

The next day at work, quite a few of the nursing staff had seen Zoe looking upset. She had gone into her office and Tamsin swears that she heard her crying. This wasn't like her, not at ALL. They were worried about her. Amidst the rumours and whispers, Aoife had an idea. She had snuck away from the group, brought a coffee and a pack of cigarettes and headed to the boss's office. She knocked on the door.

"Come in," Zoe sounded exhausted, and the day hadn't even begun.

Aoife entered nervously and headed towards the desk. She put the cup of coffee and pack of cigarettes on the desk.

"I… erm… well… er…"

Aoife found herself babbling, for the first time in ages. She was nervous. She knew it wasn't her place to do this. But over the past few weeks, statuses had been forgotten. Dr Kent and Dr Nichols talked to the nurses as friends- they never bossed them about. Aoife, Jamie and Robyn were never short of someone to help them if they needed it. Tamsin, Dixie and Jeff started to spend their lunch breaks with the others. Noel, Mac and Louise were included more within the group than ever. Tess and Charlie had become less frightening, and even the three trainees joked with them. So, Aoife decided, maybe things could change with Zoe too. Maybe she'd like to be one of the group- instead of the scary boss they all worked together to please. And who better to start the friendship than Aoife- a trainee nurse, the lowest rank of the ED staff (in the opinion of many doctors.)

"I got you these."

"Er… thank you…" Zoe said, baffled.

Zoe found the action strange, but didn't seem to care that it was Aoife, who she barely knew. She'd been left out- her friends had become part of one big group and left her behind- and to be honest, she wanted to be a part of it.

"I'll just go then," Aoife turned to leave.

Zoe stopped her, "No, Aoife, sit down. I need to talk to someone and… well… you and Robyn helped Dr Nichols. Okay, I don't approve of your methods, but you did help her."

"Okay…" Aoife sat down nervously, "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Well, Dr Ashford…"

"Oh, is this about how he's the ED's new boss?" Aoife smirked, "As if. There's more loyalty to you here than you think."

Zoe wasn't expecting that.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Aoife smiled, "Trust me. You stand up to him and you'll see. Not one person will take his side, I promise. And if they do, we can always set Tamsin on them with the dead ferr… never mind."

Zoe pulled her famous 'I don't want to know' face, and Aoife smiled.

"It's not as simple as just standing up to him, though, I need a reason!"

"He hasn't given you enough? Like letting that girl go, knowing she'd be circumcised? Like taking over from you when you were leading in the treatment of a trauma patient? Like…"

"Okay, okay!" Zoe threw her hands into the air, "I get it! But I need to tell him off as soon as he's done something, not a few days later…"

"Shouldn't take too long, then." Aoife muttered.

Zoe heard it and smiled at her.

…...

Just then, Linda looked round the door. She looked stunned by the sight before her.

"Zoe, you're needed in resus."

Zoe left in a hurry.

"What was all that about?" Linda asked, curiously.

Aoife leant forward and whispered, "It's Dr Ashford. He's really got to her, she thinks we prefer him and she doesn't know how to stop him taking over."

"Wow…" Linda whispered back, "What do we do?"

"Don't worry, I've got a plan. But we need to talk to the others."

…..

They called a meeting in the staffroom- everyone but Zoe, Ash, Charlie and Tess were there. They all settled down, and Aoife explained the situation.

"… so, we need to deal with Dr Ashford. Today." She finished.

Tamsin pulled the ferret out of her bag, "Ready."

"No, no, no," Aoife sighed, exasperated. "No pranks, not this time. We need to give her the opportunity to tell him off."

"So? What do we do?" Robyn asked.

"Right, raise your hand if Dr Ashford has ever commented on your incompetence?"

Everyone raised their hand.

"Raise your hand if he has shoved you out the way, or interfered with your patient."

All hands were raised.

"Raise your hand if you have more respect for him than Zoe."

NO HANDS WERE RAISED.

…..

"So, we don't like Ash much, what difference does it make to whether or not I can beat him to death with a stuffed ferret?" Tamsin asked.

Sam stepped forward slightly from where she and Tom were standing, but she didn't let go of his hand. (Tamsin had joked that they needed to be attached to each other in some way all the time. Noel and Mac had found the implications of this hilarious and many lewd jokes had followed. Tamsin had hit them with the dead ferret.) Sam had read Aoife's mind, and spoke for her,

"Because we don't want another war. Sides might be taken, jobs might be lost, people might be hit with dead animals, Zoe might get attacked by another sheep… basically, the last war left us better off. Let's not start another war and change it."

The room was silent for a moment.

"So, why are we fighting for Zoe?"

"Because she got left behind." Aoife explained, "Everything moved on but she couldn't, because of Ash."

"What do we do?" Linda asked.

"Easy. There's a grumpy old man out there due to be Ash's next patient. There's nothing wrong with him, except for being a total hypochondriac. So…"

"You want to make mistakes and piss him off, so he does or says something he shouldn't?"

"Bingo."

…..


	17. The Ferret is Dead!

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Ah! Hello, my dear friends! Sorry the last few updates have been so slow- I have 4 exams, 3 dance competitions, a global rock performance (look for the robber with dark brown hair who dances near the centre (: ) but I promise to make up for it… somehow… maybe… possibly…**

…**..**

The group gathered round a table.

"Okay, so basically Ash is a prat. He overrules Zoe all the time. We need to get him to overrule her again so she can tell him off… and the best way to do THAT is…" Aoife's voice train

"Mess up, wait until he loses his temper then watch as Zoe tears his balls off?" Louise finished.

"Exactly." Linda smiled- it had been her plan too, after all.

"And how exactly do you expect Ash NOT to pick up on what you're doing?" Tom raised an eyebrow.

"Who gives a shit if he does? He still can't discipline us without Zoe's permission but a tenner says he will anyway." Robyn smiled.

"Tenner says he won't." Sam smiled. "Anyway, we've got to go."

"But what about drinks tonight?"

"Yeah, Zoe gave me some time off to… erm… have some time to myself, because the week's been so full." Sam explained, "So she gave Tom time off too, in the interest of fairness. SO it's a film and a glass of wine for me and… a beer and a 'film' for Tom, I guess."

The room fell silent as everyone looked at each other, all thinking the same thing.

"Bullshit," Aoife smiled, "You're going back to ONE of your houses and we ALL know what you'll be doing!"

"How very dare you." Tom smiled, and they left hand in hand.

…..

"Tenner says they will," Tamsin grinned.

"Tenner says they won't." Louise grinned back.

"Right, now we've all gambled a week's wages away," Linda hinted (she'd been moaning lightheartedly about money, or lack thereof, recently) "Lets get back to business. Operation 'Kill that (other) bastard' is ON."

The group headed off in various directions, some went to work… and some went to make Ash's life VERY hard indeed.

…..

Robyn and Linda arrived in the cubicle and told Ash that they had come to help.

"Okay, well, if one of you could take some bloods, please?"

Robyn smiled and stepped forward. After three attempts to find a vein (because she had genuinely been trying, but she had never been able to find a vein in most of her time at Holby) Ash was getting frustrated. He pushed her out of the way.

"Please excuse the incompetence of nurse Miller, I'm sure nurse Andrews will do a better job, hmm?"

Just then, Zoe walked in. Aoife had alerted her to a 'disturbance' in cubicles.

"Dr Ashford," she glared at him, "A word?"

"Later," Ash waved Zoe away, "I'm busy making sure that Nurse Miller here doesn't…"

"Dr Ashford, I don't know who you think you are but I am clinical lead and you WILL do what I say. In my office, now."

There was a cheer from reception, and Zoe turned round to see them all smiling at her… maybe they did respect her after all…

This happy train of thought was interrupted by Tasmin asking Aoife a question very loudly,

"NOW can I hit him with a ferret?"

…..

Zoe turned round,

"Get back to work, you lot…"

Ash went to walk away…

"NOT YOU," Zoe snapped, "You might not be going back at all, unless you change that attitude."

"I don't have to listen to this," Ash grumbled, walking off.

A barricade of ED staff blocked his way to the door. They all stood there, arms crossed and glaring. Ash's eyes darted between them all.

"Actually, Ash, you do." Charlie said, seriously, standing at the front of the crowd.

"Why? This is clearly racism! First Lloyd, now me…"

Lloyd interrupted,

"Don't try that one, I was being an asshole, like you are now."

"And if Dr Hanna was racist then why hasn't she said anything to me, or Tess?" Jamie asked.

"You'll be next, wait and see- women are weak minded…"

Aoife stepped forward, "How dare you?! Dr Hanna has been a great boss to everyone here- unlike you, she worries about OTHERS too- and when she's here, things run smoothly. When you were in charge, things went so bad we almost mutinied."

"You can't talk to me like that, you're both students, I'll make sure neither of you work again…"

"NOW can I hit him with the ferret?!" Tamsin growled.

"Yes, Tamsin," Zoe smiled, "Yes you can."

Tamsin looked shocked for a moment, then hit Ash over the head with the (now-battered) stuffed toy.

…..

Ash stormed off in a rage, and Zoe laughed and- to the surprise of everyone- gave Tamsin, Aoife and Linda a hug. They had been the main actors in this scenario, and she thanked them for what they had done.

"Thank you, you three, for organising this lot- and thank you everyone else for helping."

"Zoe," Linda laughed, "We all love you! We like YOU as the boss, we always have and always will."

"Unless you go all crazy-dictator," Fletch grinned mischievously, "Like Tess!"

Tess elbowed him, hard, and he bent over in pain. Tamsin hit him with the ferret… and the tail (that she had been holding it by) tore off. The soft toy split into two on the floor and the stuffing tumbled out. Tamsin looked ready to cry, and Dixie placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Never mind, mate- we'll get you a new one. It's your birthday in two days, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Tamsin smiled, sadly, "But what can I use until then."

Noel produced a cricket bat from behind the desk, and Tamsin looked pretty eager to use the new weapon…

"NO!" the group warned.

Tamsin looked disheartened and Zoe took her arm,

"Look, you go grab your coat- then we'll go get those drinks."

Tamsin went to get changed, and Zoe turned round to the rest of the group,

"Right then, you lot- you've planned enough nasty surprises…"

"Like what?" Fletch scoffed.

"Throwing eggs at Sam," Noel smiled.

Linda joined in, "Setting Tom up on that 'hot date'!"

"A certain zombie apocalypse at the caravan sight I was staying at?" Lloyd raised an eyebrow.

"Point taken."

"So, what do we do?" Jamie asked, eager to make Tamsin happy after he'd seen her face just then.

"Plan a MASSIVE party- make it exactly what she'd want. And everyone buy her a ferret-related gift- No sick jokes, Noel- because I have an idea…" Zoe's voice trailed off mischievously.

"What is it?"

"Oh, no," Zoe smiled, "This time, I'm keeping the secret from you lot!"


	18. The world's worst secret agents?

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Okay, nobody kill me! I know how slow this update has been, and my excuse is unbelievable but 100% true. MY FATASS CAT SAT ON MY LAPTOP AND BROKE THE SCREEN! So we had to wait for it to get fixed by my very clever dad. It took ages for the new screen to arrive though. I am SO sorry, so as an apology I will update the next chapter uber super-duper quickly! (: purrlease forgive me?**

**Xxxxxx**

…**.**

Alcohol, a sleep and a hangover later, and the staff were back at work. Linda had called Sam to tell her about Zoe's plan. For some reason, however, there was no reply. When Linda told the rest of the ED staff, they decided on a little wind up- they all knew EXACTLY where Sam (and Tom) had been that night, and couldn't wait to take the piss. Sam walked into the door… Tom three paces behind her.

"Liars," Linda smirked at them.

Sam raised an eyebrow,

"We met on the way in."

Tamsin was still a little upset about the ferret, but being able to wind Sam up cheered her up immensely. She snuck behind her and reached down the back of her scrubs, making her gasp. She pulled the hem of a pair of Spiderman boxers into view.

"Oh, and you just happen to be wearing Tom's underwear, do you?"

Sam yelped and jumped away. Tom laughed and grabbed her, holding her protectively.

"So what if we did?" He raised an eyebrow wickedly.

…

Just then, Tess walked in. As she passed the crowd she smiled at the two doctors.

"Put her DOWN, Tom." She said, walking past.

Sam blushed and Tom lowered her gently to the ground, to a chorus of laughter from the ED staff. The crowd dispersed and went about their daily work- but two people were missing. Ash, who had been told to take a few days off and come back less of a prick, and Zoe… who had disappeared without a word.

….

So, while the boss was away, six particularly mischievous ED staff members decided to launch 'mission: what the fuck is Zoe's plan?' Aoife, Fletch, Mac, Noel, Robyn and Linda met in the staffroom to divide up jobs.

"Right, we need to make sure Zoe, Tess and Charlie have no idea what we're doing…" Linda whispered.

"And Tams," Aoife warned, "We don't want to ruin her birthday surprise."

"Good point." Linda nodded.

"Right, so, if Linda and I take it in turns nursing then Tess won't notice the difference. Noel can keep a look out and Aoife can find some question to bother Tess with to keep her busy. THEN we'll sneak into the boss's office and Robyn can hack the computer." Fletch whispered.

"Alright," Robyn grinned, "But if we get spotted then we're toast. And Aoife and I want to be nurses here!"

"Don't worry," Fletch smiled, "Tess is working things out so you can all stay."

"She won't if we bugger up the boss's nice new laptop…"

"Get over it."

…

Five minutes later and 'Operation: What the Fuck is Zoe's Plan?' was put into action. Noel went and stood by the desk. Linda went back to nursing. Aoife went to find Tess- but she missed her. Noel saw her on the way to Zoe's office, and hissed into his walkie talkie,

"Red Alert! Tess is headed to Zoe's office!"

"_Oh shit!" _

That was Aoife. Five seconds later and she rushed through reception in a whirlwind and crashed straight INTO Tess.

"Oh my god, Tess, I'm so sorry!" she gasped, helping her boss to stand up.

"It's alright," Tess sighed standing up.

"Look, this is really bad, but I need to ask you something…"

"What?" Tess asked, suspiciously.

"I was wondering if I could talk to you about… something… it's kind of personal…"

"Of course," Tess smiled, "Do you want to come to my office?"

Aoife nodded and the two leave the area. Zoe's office was safe.

"All clear," Noel hissed into the walkie talkie, "Aoife did brilliantly…"

…

When they got the all-clear, Fletch and Robyn crept into Zoe's office. Fletch kept lookout by the door while Robyn headed to the laptop. She clicked on the boss's name and stared at the 'password' box.

"Its password locked…"

"Well, guess then!" Fletch whispered.

"No!" Robyn exclaimed, "I'll lock, or send an alert to her phone… or to TESS!"

"Don't guess it! Don't!"

Robyn began to search every drawer and stack of paper until she had to give up.

"It's not here," she sighed, "Let's try the security question…"

Robyn hit the 'forgotten password' button and the question appeared…

"When did you arrive at the ED?"

"Oh, shit…" Fletch sighed, picking up his walkie talkie, "Alright, you lot- when did Zoe join the ED."

There was an ominous silence, then a familiar voice answered.

"_Well, Fletch, that would be 29/12/2007- now, do I need to drag you out of my office by your EAR or are you going to come out and explain to me what the hell is going on?"_

"Shit," Robyn hissed, "Is that Zoe?"

Fletch didn't have time to reply, someone else beat them to it.

"_Yes, Robyn, it was. Now, is it just you two or is there a party in my office that no one has told me about?"_

"Oh, shit."

"_Less of the language, thank you."_

"That was Tess, wasn't it?" Robyn hit her head in her hands.

"_Yes, yes it was. While Aoife was distracting me from your mission, she forgot to turn off her walkie talkie."_

"Muppet," Fletch sighed.

"_So did Noel and Big Mac." _That was Louise.

"_Ha, that means I'm the only one who wasn't found out through their own stupidity… oh. Oops."_

Laughter, and cries of 'Linda, you muppet' could be heard throughout the ED.

…..

Five minutes and a telling-off from Zoe later, the shift was over. The gang left the ED with smiles on their faces. Zoe stopped them on the way out, making sure no one else was nearby.

"Right, you lot, bring your ferret-related presents to the town hall down the road from here, at four o'clock. Mac and Noel, you're doing decorations; everyone else will do food… except for Jamie. I've heard that you're a bit of an amateur DJ."

Jamie blushed.

"Right, party starts at 6, so we'll have two hours to get ready… Now, I've hired a limo to pick Tamsin up from the ambulance bay- Jeff is with her when her shift finishes so he'll guide her out there. Aoife, Linda and Dix will wait in the limo to greet her, okay? Oh, and one more thing- everyone bring two bottles of drink- one alcoholic and one not."

There were grumbles, whoops and laughs from the crowd, as they left to buy stuff for the next day…

…..

**Next update very soon, sorry for the wait xxxx**


	19. A day in London

**\Battle of the Sexes**

**Hello! (:  
I guess I'm not entirely forgiven for letting my cat sit on my laptop- but to be fair to her, she was poorly. The moron ate a 3cm piece of grass and then got it stuck in her throat- She's okay now though… and so is my laptop, so I guess we're friends again. I am very sorry, so consider this chapter my apology.  
BUT FIRST, I have a very important question- DO YOU WANT THIS FIC TO CARRY ON? (after the next chapter)  
I don't want to be boring anyone, or annoying you all by not going away! So, how long this goes on for depends on your opinion. PM or review me what you think xxx**

…

On the day of the surprise, the gang apart from Tamsin and Jeff had the day off. They spent the day on their latest campaign: 'Find a Ferret'- searching the towns and internet for something to get Tamsin. Noel and Big Mac went from costume store to costume store, finding decorations and other silly things. Jamie looked up all the music they could ever want, with the help of Robyn and Aoife. Zoe was on a special mission. And so were Linda, Fletch and Dixie.

The three had decided that they could do a better job, with Dixie as their leader, at finding out what Zoe was up to. They followed her car, then watched as she went into a pet shop.

"Since when has Dr Hanna liked animals?" Dixie frowned.

"Since never."

They continued to watch as she returned from the store with a large pet cage, two bags of… something, a couple of carrier bags and a cardboard box. They watched as she emptied the cardboard box into the petcage and looked at it admiringly. They could tell from her face that it was cute.

…..

Unfortunately, Aoife was leaning over the driver's seat (and Fletch) to watch what was going on. She slipped and fell against the car horn, making a very loud 'BEEP!' erupt from the car. Zoe looked up, saw them, and trotted over in our high heels.

"Shit!" Aoife hissed.

Zoe tapped on the car window and Fletch wound it down reluctantly.

"Hello, Fletcher," She whispered, ominously.

Fletch, Linda and Aoife looked scared shitless. Zoe glared at them for a bit, then broke down laughing.

"I give up with you lot- the world's worst liars!- come on, I'll show you what my secret present to Tamsin is. Just, don't tell the others, okay?"

"Okay," The three nodded, eager to see what was in the car.

Zoe opened the door and let them get out, then headed back to her car… the group trailing behind her. They looked into the boot of her car.

"Aww!" Linda smiled.

"You are bonkers, you lot…" Fletch shook his head.

Aoife simply smiled. Zoe's plan was BRILLIANT.

…

Meanwhile, Tom had planned a little surprise treat for Sam. He had called her and asked to go looking for a present together, and she had agreed happily. But they weren't going to Holby high street… they were going to London.

Sam had woken up early, showered and got dressed in her favourite outfit- well, it was the one Tom said he liked- and put on some makeup. She smiled at herself in the mirror- admiring her dark denim skinny jeans, looser, flowing blouse and light brown leather jacket. She put on the necklace he'd given her- an S made of Swarovski crystals in the middle of a white gold heart. Then, as she was doing up her shoes, she heard the 'beep' of a car from outside her window. She looked outside, and Tom was kneeling on the floor, a bottle of champagne in his hand and a haribo gummy ring help up in the air towards her.

"Dr Nichols," he shouted when he saw her at the window. She looked annoyed, "Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to marry me. But would you do me the honour of joining me on a day out in London to celebrate our one week anniversary of NOT wanting to kill each other."

Sam laughed. She laughed for ages, then with tears of laughter in her eyes she spluttered,

"Of course I will, Dr Kent!"

…..

Sam ran down the stairs and jumped into Tom's arms, eating the haribo sweet and letting him help her into the cab. It was clean and posh- they had two tall glasses for the champagne too. Sam cuddled up to Tom as they set off on the journey.

"So, I'm guessing we're NOT going to Holby High Street…"

"No," Tom smiled, "London."

Sam stared at him, eyes wide.

"Tom, I've brought £20 and my credit card, how are we going to…"

"Not we, me. I'm paying for everything." Tom smiled, "Except your present for Tamsin, obviously."

"Oh, god, yeah! We need to be back in time for the party!" Sam panicked.

"London is only 20 minutes away, Sam…"

"Oh, yeah."

…

Sam and Tom had an amazing time in London. They went on the London eye, went to Covent garden (where they both found a present for Tamsin) and looked round some of the bigger shops, too. They had had a laugh in the changing rooms, finding outfits for the party- Zoe had told everyone to dress up a little bit- girls in dresses and men in smarter clothes. Sam had been grumpy about the 'dress' dress code, so Tom decided to bribe her.

"Sam, look, there's a massive selection of dresses just over there…"

"No," she scowled.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes!" Tom laughed, picking Sam up and carrying her to the dress aisle.

She squealed and hit him, but he wouldn't put her down until they reached the aisle. When they did, and he dropped her on the floor, Sam turned her back to the dresses.

"No."

Tom just ignored her that time, and began to flick through the dress rails. He found a black dress with lace at the top and a just-above-the-knee length skirt. He held it up against Sam.

"This one."

"Stop playing Gok Wan and get that thing away from me…" Sam grumbled, "Just because you want to wear the pretty dresses, doesn't mean that I do too."

"Just look at the dress."

Sam looked down at it. It was alright- Tom seemed to like it, anyway. She'd look silly in whatever dress she wore anyway….

"Fine, I'll go pay for it…"

"My treat."

"Thanks." She raised an eyebrow sarcastically, "Thanks."

…

After Tom had paid for the dress and they'd had dinner, it was time for Tamsin's party.


	20. Prep-ar-ation time, c'mon!

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Woo! Thanks for reviewing and if you want me to then OF COURSE I'm going to carry on, I'm loving writing this! So sorry for the late update- I've been very stressed lately, with exams and an ill relative, but it's a bit better because I've done the first exam and it went okay, and the relative is better now. **

**Xxx**

…

After Sam and Tom went home and got changed, they arrived together at Tamsin's party. It was 4 o'clock, and they had two hours to get ready before the party. Stood at the town hall door, holding a wrapped present each, two bottles of champagne and a plate of chocolate strawberries, the couple smiled at each other. They were greeted by an overexcited Linda.

"Hey!"

She opened the door wider and gave Sam a hug.

"Aw, you look great," She smiled, holding Sam at arm's length.

Sam squirmed under her admiration, especially as she was convinced that she looked like a boy in a dress. It didn't help that Linda looked bloody fantastic in a small, dark pink sequinned dress and white ballet flats. Tom widened his eyes, shook his head and mimed 'shut-up-or-she'll-kill-you.' Linda got the message, sighed and rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious," Linda laughed, "Wow! Chocolate strawberries and two bottles of champagne? I brought lemonade and a bottle of cheap vodka…"

They all laughed, even Sam, and then headed into the hall.

…..

Mac and Noel had brought in five big boxes of decorations. The table was already laid with crisps, canapés, tiramisu, key lime pie and other amazing food. Sam put the chocolate strawberries down there, and Zoe came over to greet her. She was wearing a navy blue, knee length dress with gemstones around the neckline.

"Sam! Oh my goodness," she looked at the chocolate strawberries, "They're my favourite. And your dress!"

Zoe saw Sam's face.

"Ah. Well, it looks nice. Anyway, there's a lot to do- Mac and Noel are in charge of decorations and Fletch, Aoife and Lloyd are helping him, Tom can too. Robyn is helping Jamie set up the… whatever it is he's going to play music on. Linda, Louise, Dixie and I are mixing drinks and ordering people about. And, last of all, Aoife is looking after the presents… well, one in particular anyway. Come and see!"

…

Sam followed Zoe into a little side room, where presents were piled up. Aoife was crouched by a pet cage, and Sam couldn't see what was inside. Aoife heard them come in and turned round. Sam stepped closer to the cage and saw what was inside.

"Oh, my, god- Zoe, you are a GENIUS!"

The three left the room to help out preparing for the party.

…

Just under two hours later, and it was amazing. Mac and Noel had covered the walls in draping dark blue material and hanging fairy lights. There were stars hanging from the ceiling and a massive disco ball 'moon'. The DJ station at the front had flashing lights and music playing quietly in the background. Just then, there was a car horn from outside.

"It's the limo!" Linda squealed excitedly.

Fletch rolled his eyes, and looked out the window,

"Why do girls go crazy for anything pink, glamorous and shiny?"

"It's more the free booze inside it that I'm excited about, mate…" Dixie smiled.

"Didn't think of that," Fletch smiled.

"Yeah," Aoife nudged him, "Well YOU don't get to ride in it."

She, Linda and Dixie headed to the door, and Zoe joined them.

"Tom'll hold the fort for us, if you want to come too Sam?" she asked.

Sam looked at the limo, then at the girls, then at the boys.

"What about Robyn, and Jamie, and…"

"They've all been invited, but none of them want to come."

"Why?"

Robyn grimaced, "Stuck in a car with the boss, trying to make conversation? No thanks!"

Tess elbowed her, "Oi, I'm your boss…."

"And you're coming too," Zoe grabbed her arm and hauled her out of the door and into the limo, Charlie helping her.

…

When they were all in the taxi and on their way, the group began to discuss the party that was about to happen. They were excited.

"So, what did everyone bring?" Zoe asked.

Linda grinned, "Lemonade, a bottle of cheap vodka and a shop-brought key lime pie. Because I'm poor like that."

"Aww, Lindz," Aoife gave her a hug. "Don't worry, all I could afford was a cheap bottle of cider, a bottle of supermarket's own cream soda and a bag of crisps."

Tess smiled, "Well, I've brought a bottle of white wine, a bottle of lemonade and a plate of mini-pizza things- they were a Nigella recipe."

"I did a Nigella recipe too- ready-made from Tesco…" Dixie smirked, "A key lime pie, and a six-pack of beer."

Zoe rolled her eyes,

"No one get too drunk, okay- especially if you're working tomorrow!"

"No deal!" Linda laughed. "SO, Dr Hanna, what did YOU bring?"

"Oi! I booked the hall!"

…

Meanwhile, Tamsin had just finished her shift with Jeff, and he was desperately trying to keep her at the ED because the limo was late.

"Bye, Jeff!"

"You can't go yet, Tams, you've got to tell me what's upsetting you!"

Tamsin growled, "Check the calendar, Jeffrey."

"Don't have one, sorry Tams…"

"Don't you TAMS me! Don't you dare! It's my birthday, Jeff. I thought we would all go for a drink but everyone has fucking forgotten! So now my birthday is going to be spent alone. And no one's even sent me a card." Tamsin began to cry, and Jeff wrapped her in a hug.

Tamsin thought the hug was a consolatory gesture, but it was in fact his way of stopping her from seeing the pink limousine that had rolled up behind her. Zoe, Linda, Sam, Dixie, Tess and Aoife crept from inside it, holding shiny pin balloons, a bottle of champagne and a banner that said 'Happy birthday Tamsin!'

"Look, Tamsin," Jeff sighed, pushing her away from him slightly, "Don't worry. Go home, I'll call the others and we'll be there with a bottle of champagne to say sorry, okay?"

Tamsin looked a little bit better- at least she wouldn't be alone this birthday- and turned to go to her car…

"SURPRISE!"

…..


	21. The Mystery Present

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Whoa! Thanks for the reviews, guys- and for one, brilliant idea. Credit for the incident that I am calling 'Zoe and the Coke Cans' goes to****SuperCasualtyAndTheScriptFan- who suggested that Zoe added bicarbonate and vinegar to a can of coke, then gave it to Fletch. I have changed it slightly, but it wouldn't happen if it wasn't for the idea! So thank you VERY MUCH! Also, thank you for all the messages of support, reviews, follows and favourites. I absolutely love you guys!**

**Now, I know this has been a slow update. But I have a whole day to update this today- because yesterday I fainted/passed out at my army cadets. Now, all I remember is 'I feel weird' then rainbows and a voice which I understood and replied to but don't remember (it was the staff who's in charge of our troop, apparently…) and then waking up on the floor, having bitten my lip and hit my head. My friends told me later that I had been swaying, then fell, and there was a loud BANG! And they all looked round and I was on the floor and twitching like something out the exorcist… meh. Then they all got sent out the room. So, yeah, I got a day off today. **

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

…**..**

Tamsin ran towards the girls and they wrapped her in their arms, dragging her into the limo. Jeff rolled his eyes and followed, unwillingly. Dixie jumped straight back out the pink vehicle.

"C'mon, Jeffrey!" she smiled, dragging him back.

When they were all inside the limo, and they were on their way back to the town hall, Tamsin began to cry, quietly.

"Hey!" Linda, who was sat next to her, gave her a hug. "What's up?"

"I've never had anything like this before…" she sobbed, "It's so lovely…"

Zoe elbowed her- "Well, you better stop crying, because we haven't just hired a limo to drive you HOME, now, have me?"

Tamsin smiled, took the glass of champagne Dixie was offering her, and enjoyed the rest of the ride.

…..

When they arrived at the town hall, Linda and Zoe went in first, to see how things were getting on. Aoife held her hands over Tamsin's eyes and Dixie, Sam, Jeff and Tess walked in with them. Zoe and Linda remerged from the building, smiling.

"It's even better than when we left!" Linda whispered, excitedly.

The group took Tamsin inside and Tamsin opened her eyes.

"wow…" she whispered, looking round. "Just… wow…"

The draping dark blue material was still there, and so were the fairy lights and the disco ball moon. Big Mac and Noel had added glow in the dark stars and turned the lights off. Someone had set up glowing blue lights around the food table and the bar so everyone could see what they were doing. It was like some sort of fancy nightclub.

"You can thank Noel and Mac for the decorations," Zoe smiled, "Everyone brought in the food and drink, and Jamie's our DJ."

Jamie waved from over by the DJ booth they had set up and turned on the fancy strobe lights. He fiddled with some switches on the table and began to play Tamsin's favourite song- Don't you worry child- and everyone poured onto the dance floor (even Sam, who was dragged on by an overexcited Tom.) They must have danced for a good half hour, to loads of different music choices. Then, when everyone was tired and had sat down, Linda took the microphone from Jamie and said:

"Right, everyone- the bar and food table are now OPEN!"

The group all headed over, grabbing plates of food and plastic glasses of whatever they felt like.

…

Sam and Tom had just had a can of coke each. When they left to go and 'get some fresh air' (share a drunken kiss, more like) Zoe had an idea. She grabbed the unopened cans and shook them up, putting them back where they were. When Tom and Sam returned (with smudgy lipstick on BOTH of their lips…hmm…) the first thing they both did was pick up the cans and open them.

"Gah!" Sam yelped as the whole thing exploded all over her and Tom.

"Consider this a warning," Zoe smirked, "Never, EVER, start a war in my ED again…"

Everyone burst out laughing.

….

When they'd all finished, Zoe announced that they were going to do the presents. Tamsin was once again told to shut her eyes, and the lights were turned on. The group brought through the presents they'd got her… all but one of them.

The first people to hand over their present were Jeff and Dixie. Tamsin opened it, excitedly.

"Aww!" she squealed.

They'd got her another ferret, but this time they had enforced it with some armour they had brought from a build-a-bear workshop. He was passed round the group as they all admired him.

The next was from Noel. It was an inflatable toy ferret, the size of a small child.

Big Mac had brought her a pink 'I 3 Ferrets' T-shirt.

Tess had brought her a little toy ferret that could be hung from a car's mirror.

"For the ambulance," Tess smiled.

Charlie had found an I 3 ferret mug.

The three students had clubbed together for one, bigger present.

"We know they're not exactly ferrets but…"

They handed over an envelope. They had brought her a 'keeper for the day' ticket for the meerkats at the local zoo.

Linda handed over a pillow with a ferret on it, and a hand-embroidered 'Tamsin' in bright pink.

"Aww, wow, thank you all so much…" Tamsin smiled.

Zoe stopped her, "Ah-ah, that's not all!"

She made Tamsin close her eyes again as Big Mac and Noel carried through a big, wrapped up box, and three smaller bags.

…..

"Open the bags first," Zoe smiled.

Tamsin did. There was a bag of straw, a bag of small animal feed and a food tray and water bottle set.

Tamsin looked at Zoe, eyed the big box warily and began to open it. It was a cage- like a rabbit hutch, but bigger. She peered inside. Looking back at her, were a pair of glossy black eyes set into a little, pointy face.

"Oh, my, god." Tamsin grinned, jumping up and giving Zoe a hug.

For, in the cage, was a ferret.

…..


	22. Drinking Games

**Battle of the Sexes**

**NOBODY SHOOT! I'm so sorry I haven't updated for ages but with 5 GCSE exams and 4 courseworks, 3 dance competitions and a reoccurring chest and sinus infection I hope you can forgive me! **

…

After half an hour of 'pass the ferret', in which the surprisingly docile animal was cuddled by all the girls and admired by all the men, Zoe ordered it be put back in the spare room and the party, and drinks, continue.

And what drinks they were. Between them, Linda, Robyn and Dixie proved pretty damn amazing at mixing cocktails and making shots. There was a particularly amazing one made with ice cubes of white wine in a glass of vodka and tonic, with a little party umbrella… the only problem was that the alcohol content was through the roof. But the 'dare factor' came from the shots of vodka and lime juice… it burned and stung as it poured down the throat of whoever drank it. So, when everyone was a little bit drunk, Tess and Zoe had an idea.

"Right!" Tess announced, "There is a very long night shift with no one to take it. Whoever gets it is between Linda and Fletch. Therefore, to decide who takes the shift… the trainees of each candidate (who will also have to do the night shift) are going to play a drinking game."

"Brilliant, Tess!" Zoe exclaimed, "It's the same with Tom and Sam- one of you will have to work that night too."

Sam and Tom groaned,

"God's sake, Zoe, first the coke cans now this… anyone would think you didn't like us…" Tom whispered.

"What?" Zoe spluttered, "After the squabbling, and the eggs, and the sheep, and the staff going awol to scare Lloyd shitless, Sam wrecking the cupboard by smashing Tom's face into various shelving units… No, Tom, it's fair to say you're not my favourite people right now. So, drinking game, NOW."

The two smiled slightly, eyed each other as the competition, then went to the table they'd set up.

…

Robyn and Aoife sat opposite each other at the table. It was there turn first. Jamie, with a grin on his face, left the room. A few seconds later, he came back with a blackboard and chalk.

"I saw this earlier," He grinned, "So, time to take bets."

"£5 on Aoife." Fletch said immediately.

Linda glared at him. "£5 on Robyn."

"£10 on Aoife," Tamsin grinned.

"£10 on Robyn," Dixie bid for both Jeff and herself.

"£20 on Aoife." Zoe grinned.

Sam and Tom looked at each other.

"£20 on Aoife," Sam grinned.

"£20 on Robyn." Tom replied.

The group separated to stand behind their different competitor and cheer them on.

…..

"Right," Zoe smiled, "Easiest game ever. Shots of vodka. First one to be sick, quit, pass out… whatever, loses."

The shots were placed on the table. Loads of them.

Aoife picked up the first one and downed it wordlessly and emotionlessly. Robyn tried to copy her, but her face went a little bit red, and she sweated a little bit.

"Robyn, you look a little hot," Zoe taunted, "Do you need to see a doctor?"

"Yeah," Fletch joined in, "We don't want you coming down with everything?"

"Back off," Linda scowled, resting a hand on Robyn's shoulder.

Aoife downed another shot, emotionless. So did Robyn, even stronger than before. Aoife looked a little weaker the next few shots, and the sight of her struggling made Robyn stronger. Aoife saw her friend pick up the pace, and began to panic. The next few shots she took she took emotionlessly. Robyn eyed her warily, then began to struggle.

"It's okay, Robyn, you can do this!" Tom whispered.

"Sure, Sure," Sam smiled at him.

Turns out, Tom was wrong. On her twelfth shot, Robyn coughed, spluttered and ran from the room. Aoife drank one last shot to confirm she was the winner, then ran to look after her friend. They came back a few minutes later, smiling. They pulled back the chairs and beckoned to Sam and Tom.

"Right, your go."

…

The couple went to sit down, but Zoe stopped them.

"Oh, no- you don't think we're going easy on YOU, do you? Oooh… no."

Sam and Tom stood up, nervous now.

"Right," Zoe grinned, "You both get 5 lives. The 'lives' are shots. Now, here's the rules. You kiss. The first one to break away, for whatever reason, takes a shot and loses a life. You repeat this until one of you loses.

"Aw, Zoe, that's unfair," Tom whinged.

"Eggs. Sheep." Zoe listed, "Cupboard. Fights. Arguments."

"Okay, you win." Tom grinned.

Then without warning, he grabbed Sam and kissed her. They lasted about twenty seconds, before Sam moved away. She took the shot and scowled.

"Not fair," she gasped, "You took me by surprise!"

"Yes, well, if you hadn't been to…"

Sam grabbed Tom's head and pulled him down to kiss her, taking HIM by surprise. That time, he broke away.

The next two times, Sam broke away. Then Tom. Then Sam again. But then, from somewhere, a sudden burst of energy overtook Sam and she won the next three times. Tom had lost!

There were cheers and grumbles from the crowd.

Sam and Tom left the party pretty soon after that, her in his arms, whispering and laughing.

"SO YOU HAVEN'T HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK, THEN?!" Tamsin called after them.

Sam threw one of the high heels she had taken off at Tamsin's head.

…..

The two got back to Sam's. Tom carried her upstairs to the room, holding her in a cradle. He dropped her on the bed and she yelped, sitting up straight.

"If you want ANYTHING tonight, Tom Kent, you'd better start behaving."

"Since when have I ever behaved," He smirked, climbing onto the bed.

Sam grabbed the collar of his suit and pulled him down to kiss her.

"Since I decided to give you a second chance, and you decided you'd better not blow it?"


	23. Reason's why you shouldn't piss Zoe off:

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Hello, hello, hello! As none of you seemed to mind the little bit at the end of the last chapter, I might just add a few more romantic scenes. After all, this was meant to be a sort of rom-com, and I get the feeling it needs a bit more rom, ahahahaha! **

**Bloody hell, 180 reviews! Thank you guys so much- I will mention ALL my repeat reviewers, followers, favourite-ers and PM-ers in a special thank you chapter at the end. However, you will have to PM me your name if you want to be IN the end chapter, if not you'll just get a special thank you message!**

**xxx**

…**..**

The next day, Sam woke up to a rather messy room. She looked around with a smile on her face, trying to find her dressing gown… it was no use, she couldn't see it, so she settled on wearing Tom's shirt instead. She padded downstairs to find Tom cooking breakfast- bacon, scrambled egg, hash browns and toast… wearing her dressing gown.

"Suits you," she smirked from where she stood in the doorway.

Tom turned round with a grin on his face.

"Not as much as my shirt suits YOU, Dr Nichols…"

She rolled her eyes and walked towards him, letting him wrap her in his arms and kiss her. She smacked one of his hands away as it began to wander, with a playful grin.

"What?" Tom smiled, "I've cooked you breakfast and I'm not even allowed a proper kiss?"

Sam smiled a seductive smile, moved back and sat down.

"Depends on how good the breakfast is…"

Tom just sighed, rolled his eyes and smiled as he plated up breakfast.

…..

Sam had to admit it, the breakfast was good. Really good. Tom was looking at her with a grin on his face, knowing he had won. Sam got up, walked over to him and kissed him again, properly this time, for a long time. She let him pick her up and pull her onto his lap. She moved closer to his chest and kissed him harder.

"I love you, Tom…" she whispered.

"And I don't deserve you," he whispered back, "Not after how mean I was…"

"Shut up," Sam whispered, kissing him again so he couldn't say any more.

Then the phone rang.

…..

"Sam!" Zoe's voice awakened a hangover that Sam had somehow supressed, "It's ten fifteen, you're late- And so's Tom, who I suppose is there with you?"

"HI ZOE!" Tom yelled, from where he was sat in his chair.

"Get here NOW," Zoe ordered, "There's been another outbreak of swine flu, we're swamped. And as EVERYONE has a hangover you've got no excuse…"

From somewhere, Sam heard a voice that she thought might be Fletch yell,

"Except they probably got a lot less sleep than the rest of us!"

That was shortly followed by the noise of someone being hit with a wad of paper and a mumble of,

"Ouch, Zoe- that isn't what paperwork is for…"

Sam and Tom could just make out a muttered,

"Piss off Fletch or I will get one of the vuvuzelas we confiscated off the football fans and blow it RIGHT IN YOUR EAR."

But by the time Zoe had got back to the phone, they'd run upstairs to get dressed and ready to go, eating breakfast in the car on the way.

…

When they survived, Zoe was fuming.

"Is that steam coming out of her ears?" Tom whispered as he and Sam approached.

Sam hit him, before grabbing his hand in terror.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU TWO DOING?!"

Tom smirked, and went to explain the birds and the bees…

"Actually, no, don't tell me. I have a better idea. We have had a formal request for two doctors to go and teach sex-education, in their spare time, to a group of year 10s. It's just before they hit the age where its all legal and stuff, so they want you to go and talk to them. And, considering its all you two can think about right now, you seem perfect. So, tomorrow, before you BOTH do that night shift (to make up for missing the RTC this morning and leaving me DANGEROUSLY short of doctors) you will go to Holby College and teach those kids all about what mysterious occurrence has been making you two so bloody late recently!"

Zoe turned on her heel and stormed off. Ash, who had been a lot less of an asshole since his bollocking a few weeks ago, smirked slightly at Zoe.

"Here endeth my rant, eh?"

She mock-glared at him, took the coffee he was offering and left with a smile.

…..

Sam and Tom glared at each other.

"That was your fault." Sam scowled.

"No it wasn't."

"Was."

"It's not always my fault!" Tom exclaimed, storming off.

Jeff, Fletch and Noel ran after him. Linda, Tamsin and Aoife ran to Sam. Tess saw what was going on and grabbed Charlie.

"Recognise this scene?"

Charlie looked.

"Oh… dear…" he sighed, "Your call, Sister Bateman, what do we do?"

"May I suggest something?" Ash said, seriously.

"Um… yeah… Ash, sure." Charlie stumbled.

"Wait. They've got to do that Sex ED class, and that shift together. If their relationship can survive that, then they should have their own column in some dating-advice magazine…"

Charlie and Tess raised their eyebrows at each other.

"Too true, too true." Charlie smiled.

"Good idea, Ash…" Tess said, as the doctor walked off. "But maybe we could add a few more tests to push them closer together…"

"I think we'd better get the rest of the guys in on this, don't you?"

"Oh, yes… I think so indeed…"

Sam and Tom's relationship was about to be pushed to the limit…


	24. How not to teach sex ed

_Zoe had said "A secondary school."_

_She had not said, "A church run, highly religious and academic college where the teachers look at you like you're something nasty if you're not highly intelligent."_

Sam and Tom were sat in an office on purple sofas, looking at a crucifix on the wall and toying with the purple plastic visitor passes around their necks. All the teachers were wearing something purple- blouses, blazers, ties, shirts, shoes, scarves… one or two purple items per teacher so they fitted in with the theme. There were purple flowers in a vase by the receptionist. Finally, the door into the school clicked and a short little woman with shoulder length blonde hair walked in. She smiled a rather over-friendly smile.

"Hello, I'm Miss Smith." She shook Sam's hand, the Tom's, eyeing them both warily. "I'm the RE teacher here- follow me."

After she'd turned her back and walked out of hearing distance, Tom bent down and whispered into Sam's ear,

"Five quit says she's a God botherer."

She led them through the glass doors, into the main building. Children in purple blazers bustled up and down the corridor- laughing, talking, texting, ranting. Miss Smith seemed unfazed as she continued to talk to Sam and Tom.

"You'll be teaching my year 10 class- some of them are a little bit loud, but year 10s generally behave… but with the subject you're teaching, well… Don't worry, I'll show them a short PowerPoint before you start and settle them down, but then I've got to go to a meeting."

They got to the lesson.

…

Miss Smith didn't actually get them settled down… Tom was right about her being a God botherer. She started the lesson by saying how the bible teaches that sex should only take place in marriage, and ended by telling all the girls in their class that they'd lose their innocence and childhood as soon as they had sex. She'd been met with some pretty weird looks throughout, but this was the last straw for the children.

"Well somebody obviously isn't getting any…" a girl with dark brown hair and brown eyes whispered to her friend.

Her friend had the most wonderful reaction- she snorted with laughter, loudly, and pressed her hands to her face, giving her the most comical appearance. The teacher, who hadn't heard the first girl, looked at the second and asked:

"WHAT exactly do you find so funny?"

The girl stuttered and tucked her light brown hair back into it's elaborate style, her eyes turning from ice blue to stormy grey.

**(I have a friend who's eyes do this, not joking…)**

"Um… er… nothing Sir… I mean Miss!"

The class fell about laughing, and someone else muttered,

"I thought God disapproved of that sort of thing…"

The class had fallen into such mayhem that the teacher gave up and let Sam and Tom take over.

…

"Okay, settle down," Tom smiled.

No change.

"Please, be quiet…"

Nope.

"Look, we can't start until you…"

Nothing.

"SHUT IT!" Sam yelled above the chaos, army discipline shining through, "We don't want to be here either, so let's just get it over with, shall we?"

The class stopped and paid attention, as Sam and Tom sat on a desk at the front of the room.

"Right," Sam sighed, "What do you want to learn about?"

The class gave her a strange look.

"Well, there's no point patronising you with stuff you already know, so what would you want to know?"

The class gave her another weird look. Tom clocked what was wrong.

"If that's too embarrassing, then everyone write something down and put it in this tray, then we'll answer them anonymously…"

Better. Everybody began reluctantly scribbling a question on a bit of paper.

…..

When the tray was full, Sam and Tom took it in turns to read them and answer them. Most questions were sensible, but there were a few that made people laugh- like the 'I'm a lesbian' one that Sam read out loudly just as the religious teacher walked back in. The boy who'd written it promptly explained the joke to the rather thick teacher, who left again in a hurry. Then there was a rather sweet note saying 'I like this girl but I know she doesn't like me back.' The class spent ages questioning all the boys and trying to find out who it was- they eventually discovered it to be a quiet girl with glasses… The boys became overly interested in her after that…

At the end of the questions and answers, Sam tried to explain that body image was too much for girls, and all shapes and sizes were fine… this was knocked down with a simple,

"Says the pretty blonde with the hot boyfriend…" from the tanned girl.

Her best friend gave her a sympathetic smile and scribbled her a note. The girl replied, but before she could give it back to her friend Sam snatched it out of her hands and read it. The tanned girl had a crush on a boy in their year, but he didn't like her and had recently told her… there was a lot of swearing in the girl's reply… Sam felt she had to say something.

"Just because one idiot turns you down, doesn't mean there aren't people out there who want you," Sam smiled.

The girl fidgeted awkwardly and waited for Sam to go away.

…..

At the end of the lesson, Sam and Tom drove back to Sam's house.

"Well, that was… interesting…" Tom smirked, wrapping Sam in his arms, "Better get some sleep before the night shift."

Sam smiled up at him, kissing him passionately…

"I can think of better uses for a bed."

Tom carried her upstairs, lowered her onto the bed and began to kiss her. He was about to start moving things on, when he caught site of a note on the pillow. It read:

_Dear Sam, (And probably Tom)_

_To ensure you are both at the night shift well rested and on time, I have hidden two things in this room. An alarm clock, set to six o'clock to give you time to get ready, and a camera. I suggest you use the bed for sleeping, and sleeping only tonight…_

_Zoe x_

Tom smirked at the note, let Sam read it, then carried her into the spare bedroom. There, on the bed, was another note.

_There's a camera in here, too._


	25. And the mystery motorbike rider is?

**OMG! 198 reviews! I love you guys- and I am so, so proud of this fic… only 24 (well, 25 now) chapters but already almost 200 reviews… Blimey, you are amazing people! I am having a pretty crap time at the moment with exams and boys (who seem to find me attractive as Susan Boyle) and dance and not sleeping because my brain likes to play a little game called 'How many times can we wake her up?' So, nightmares and what feel like panic attacks and socks cutting into my ankle and duvets falling off and cats ON MY FACE keep me awake… But anyway, I'm having a bad time but you all cheer me up so much! THANK YOU!**

…

Sam and Tom woke up, in Sam's bed, when the mysterious alarm went off at six. They looked for it for half an hour, before discovering that it was sellotaped to the ceiling of Sam's room. A lot of jumping around and a game of 'hit the alarm clock with the pillow and hope it falls off' later, and they had got the bloody thing onto the floor and Tom had jumped up and down on it, smashing it. They plodded round, finding clothes, and got dressed. Tom offered to cook dinner but Sam wanted something quicker. They ordered Dominos.

After they'd eaten, and they both felt too-full, they hurried out to the car and climbed in… It wouldn't start. No matter how hard they tried, it would not budge.

"Shit…" Sam muttered, hitting her head against the steering wheel and making a loud 'BEEP!' "Zoe's gonna kill us…"

Tom frowned, "Yup, and there's nothing we can do about that, we just have to sort it. So, one bike, no bus for the next hour and no taxi company near enough. What do we do?"

Sam frowned, "We could run?"

She was wearing running gear, because she had hoped to jog home when the shift ended. Tom was going to take the car and go get more petrol, and some breakfast from the petrol station down the road. But Tom was in jeans and a T-shirt. He shot her a 'that better be a joke, bitch' look, and she sighed and looked back at the house.

"Well, that's that then." She turned on her heel and headed to the garage.

…..

She opened the door and pulled a dusty old motorbike from the depths of the garage, along with two leather jackets and two helmets. She handed one set to Tom, and turned the key. The motorbike revved into life. Sam pulled on the jacket and the helmet and sat on the saddle, nervous.

"Sam, are you going to explain this… erm… interesting event, or am I just going to have to risk my life and hope you can drive this thing."

Sam glared at him, "This 'thing' as you called her is Millie, and I gave her up after seeing someone die from a particularly nasty accident… but I'm pretty sure I can still drive her… I hope…"

Tom pulled on the jacket and climbed on behind her.

"If I'm going to die," he grinned, "I want to die doing something completely crazy with the woman I love."

Sam grinned, "You're not going to die."

She tried to make it go, and jolted them forward really fast, before slamming on the breaks.

"Oh yeah?" Tom smirked.

Sam frowned, and tried again- slower than before. She managed to get them onto the road, and moving at a steady pace. But there was something on both of their minds… what the hell would their colleagues think?!

…..

Well, they found out soon enough. As Sam pulled up to the doors, she noticed Zoe stood outside, talking to Fletch and Tess. They all looked up simultaneously, and Zoe stepped forward,

"I don't know who you two think you are, but this is a hospital and…"

Sam pulled of her helmet and flipped her hair.

"I know, I work here," she smirked.

…

Tom took off his helmet as well, and ruffled his hair. He looked at Sam and she looked at him, then they both looked back at Zoe. Her mouth was hanging open, her eyes were wide. Fletch snuck is phone from his pocket, and lifted it up, pointing it into Zoe's face and snapping a photo. This made her jump out of her daze just enough to yell,

"FLETCH DELETE THAT BLOODY PHOTO!"

They could hear his laughter echoing from inside the ED, and Zoe scowled. Tess barely noticed anything, she was just staring at the bike and it's riders.

"Sam… may I ask why you've come to work on a motorbike?"

"Because the car had broken down, Tom's bike had a puncture and there were no buses."

"Okay… and you just HAPPENED to have a motorbike in the shed, and know how to ride it?" Tess raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah, pretty much." Sam smiled, parking and heading past the two gobsmacked bosses, into the ED.

Tom chased her and grabbed her hand, kissing her.

"I've always loved a badass," he smirked.

She frowned at him.

"Joking!"

Sam carried on frowning, then let go of his hand and walked away. Tess, who had followed them inside, whispered to Charlie,

"I guess getting Fletch to break their car didn't work then… better send him to fix it later, it's just pushed them further apart."

…..


	26. A Festival and an Idea

**Battle of the Sexes **

**OMGOMGOMG! Over 200 reviews! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU! I am actually so happy that I tell everyone this and they're like "Fu-cking weirdoooo!" It's just too funny. But seriously, such nice reviews- and so many messages! You always remind me to get my ass in gear and update- so thanketh you! So, here it is, finally, chapter 26!**

…**..**

Tom ran after her- they'd been arguing a lot lately, and he didn't like it.

"Sam, Sam come back! Sam!"

Sam ran into the girl's bathroom, and collided with Aoife and Robyn. They caught her and looked at her face, noticing the tears.

"He hasn't done it again, has he?"

"I don't know," Sam sighed, slumping against a wall, "He's not cheated on me, but everything's just going wrong for us two right now. Zoe's pissed off at us, we've got this night shift, Tom keeps getting annoyed at me, I keep getting annoyed at him! I don't want to lose him!"

Sam started to sob again, covering her face with her hands. Robyn and Aoife looked at each other, and Aoife mouthed,

"Go tell Tess or Charlie."

Oh, yes- they were in on it too. If fact, every single nurse was- Aoife, Robyn, Fletch, Jamie, Lloyd, Linda… they were all spies for Tess and Charlie- the masterminds of operation 'Fix Tam!' Which was basically a scheme where they tested the strength of Tom and Sam's relationship, to prove that they could survive anything as a couple. The nursing staff had arranged a variety of 'mishaps' that Tom and Sam would have to work together to survive. And this was just the go-ahead they needed- Sam saying that she wanted to stay with Tom.

Robyn hurried out, to report back to her bosses. Aoife wrapped an arm round Sam, dried her tears and sent her back out into the ED, before going to find Robyn.

…..

Tess and Charlie looked pleased with what Robyn told them.

"Right- so now all we have to do is prove that they CAN stay together." Tess smiled.

"That they need each other," Charlie agreed, "What was Linda's idea again?"

"They need two doctors at a midnight festival tonight- we may as well send them. After all, we've got Ash and Zoe, and the doctors lent to us by other wards… and it's not fair them being here after all."

"Agreed," Charlie nodded, "Time to break the good news."

He walked off to find Tom, while Tess went and found Sam.

…..

The two doctors were pleased to be out and about, and changed happily into their green suits. Jeff and Dixie met them in the staffroom.

"Ready to go, you two?"

They were going to drop them off at the front of the main stage then go sit in the van- neither of them liked the drunken, unruly people or loud music this festival had to offer.

…..

When they had arrived and Sam and Tom were stood at the front of the stage, watching the crowd for people who looked like they were struggling, they saw the next act that was going onstage.

"The script?" Tom raised an eyebrow.

Sam thumped him, "Shut up. They're a good festival band- and I LIKE THEM. Besides, that isn't the Script. Blimmin' hell, you know sod all about music… this is my favourite band, too."

Tom ignored her and put on a girly voice, "Oooh, Danny I love you so much… ooh, Danny, marry me Danny!"

Sam glared at him,

"What, jealous or something?"

"Maybe," Tom grinned.

The band came on stage, and the audience screamed. Tom sighed and rolled his eyes- boy, was this going to be boring! But then something happened… he began to… LIKE the music. Sam watched him slyly out of the corner of her eye as he began to dance. Then he started to dance with her, and she couldn't help but let him.

…..

After the third song had finished, the lead singer shouted over the crowd-

"So! We've been singing a lotta songs 'bout love tonight! And I wanna know if anyone's got a girl here they love. Cos if you do, then you gonna lift her up, 'kay? Pick her up and show her off, because she's the girl you wanna be with!"

With laughs and cheers, the audience gradually picked up their girlfriends, laughing and smiling. Suddenly, Sam felt strong arms wrap round her waist and lift her into the air. She started laughing, but kept her eyes on the crowd- she was meant to be working, after all. She told Tom this, sternly, but he just laughed.

"What, like Zoe's going to see?"

And, as if he'd jinxed it, the pair appeared on the big screen. Sam covered her face in embarrassment, smiling. Tom waved at the camera with his free hand, and the crowd cheered. Then, the lead singer ran up to them. Tom put Sam down again.

"What's your name, love?" he asked.

Sam tried to speak but couldn't- she was completely, utterly starstruck. Tom had to answer for them.

"Her name's Sam, and I'm Tom."

"Nice to meet ya, Tom, nice to meet ya. Now, how long have you known Sam here for?"

"Since I started working with her at Holby ED," he smiled.

"An' what was the first thing you thought when you saw her?"

Tom grinned, "Wow, that is one scary lady?"

The singer laughed, "Very funny- seriously tho, Tommy boy? Why'd ya like her?"

Sam had her arms crossed now, looking at Tom with a smirk and with her eyebrows raised. Her eyes kept darting back to the audience. Tom looked at her, grinned and gave her a hug.

"That she was the prettiest, funniest, smartest girl I ever met. We started off as friends… but then, one day… we kissed. And then we were a couple."

Sam had gone bright red, and the colour of her cheeks went even redder as the camera focused on her. The lead singer waved the camera away and handed something to Tom.

"Just an idea, buddy- save it 'till you wanna use it. But don't show the lady."

The crowd didn't hear that, he covered his mike. Then, as time was running out, he ran back and finished the set with the rest of his band. In the ambulance on the way back, Sam sat in the back with Dixie and Tom in the front with Jeff. The unwrapped the small parcel. It was a ring- big and shiny and expensive- and a note:

'_You were the most loved-up couple I saw today. So, to spread the love- here's an idea. Take it or leave it. But if you decide to make her your wife, here's my number. We'd be happy to play at your do.  
Ricky.'_


	27. Wedding Planners

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Ever-so-teeny-tiny-minute-almost-unnoticeable-sugg estion-of-what-might-possibly-be-the-finale-in-a-f ew-chapters-time ahead!  
Thanks for reviewing as always!  
XXX  
…**

Tom pocketed the ring really quickly, but an idea was planted in his mind.

"So, mate…" Jeff murmured, "What you gonna do?"

Tom shook his head,

"I don't know, Jeff."

"Do you want to marry her?"

Tom thought for a while, quietly. Then something in his brain clicked, and his mind was made up.

"Of course I do… I always have, since the day I met her."

Jeff smiled and rolled his eyes,

"Then why don't you ask her?"

Tom sighed and held his head in his hands.

"I don't know what she'll say! Jeff, if it's too soon… if…"

"You're worried she'll say no?" Jeff smirked, "Nah, mate, she's dead in love with you!"

"Yes, but I don't want to push her. It's dead important that I make sure we're back to where we were… y'know?"

"Yeah, I know mate. I know."

Tom sat in silence, staring out of the window, for the whole journey back.

…..

When they did get back, Jeff and Dixie (whom Jeff had told as soon as Tom and Sam were out of earshot) gathered the ED staff and told them the events. Tess and Charlie, who Fletch had nicknamed 'the evil masterminds' were very pleased with the news. They decided to change their plan. Sam and Tom were definitely back together now! All they needed to do is find out whether or not Sam would marry Tom… then convince them to do it…

"So…" Mac wondered, "Why don't Noel and I get Tom just a little bit drunk and find out exactly what he thinks about marrying Sam, and then… hmm… the girls get Sam drunk and find out from her?"

Tess smiled, "Good plan. And, meanwhile, Charlie and I will make sure Zoe, Sam and Tom don't see what's going on."

"Good plan," Tamsin smiled.

"You just like the gettin' drunk part!" Linda grinned, elbowing her.

Tamsin hit her with the dead ferret, and the group dispersed pretty quickly.

…..

The day after next, Sam and the girls were round at Sam's house. Between them, the girls had brought enough alcohol to make Sam talk to them. They were playing a very adult truth game (devised by Linda to find out Sam's EXACT opinion on marriage.) Tamsin span the empty wine bottle in the middle of the circle, and it pointed at Linda.

"Okay…" Tamsin smirked, mischievously, "Linda- what is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you with a boy?"

Linda hid her face in a pillow, groaning. Then, in the silent anticipation that followed, she murmured,

"I was seventeen, it was my first boyfriend… and dad walked in on us, then chased him away with a baseball bat…"

The group of girls laughed, and Linda sat up.

"Hey! I was seventeen, alright?!" she grumbled, "Right! My turn."

…..

She seized the bottle, mock-angrily, and span it. To her delight, it landed on Sam. Sam tried to hide behind Tamsin, but the threat of a ferret soon put her off. She sat nervously as Linda asked the question.

"So… What would you say… if Tom asked you to… marry him?"

Sam frowned. Most of the questions had been dirty, creepy or downright pervy. But that one was… difficult… what would she say? She loved him. She didn't want to be with anybody else.

"Yes," Sam concluded, "I'd say yes."

The girls exchanged a look.

"What?" Sam demanded, "WHAT?!"

Tamsin realised she needed to cover it up pretty quick.

"You want to have his babies…" she muttered, smirking.

The girls burst out laughing, and Sam hit Tamsin with a pillow. It broke out into a pillow vs ferret fight for a little bit. Then Linda broke it up by handing Sam the empty bottle and the game continued.

…..

Meanwhile, with the guys, there was a whole different story. They already knew that Tom wanted Sam to marry him… they just didn't know what he was worried about.

"So, mate, why not marry Sam? She's gorgeous," Jeff smiled.

"Intelligent," Noel nodded.

"Funny… in a scary sorta way," Fletch smirked.

"And from the look on your face after a night together…"

"Too much!" Tom covered his face.

"He's gone red!" Mac exclaimed, laughing.

The men laughed and drank beer, like men do. And after Tom's face had gone from tomato to a light pink, he did too.

"Yeah, yeah- you're right. But… what if I let her down? I can't afford a flashy wedding… I don't have family to help me out! I don't know if I can look after her forever! I want to… but…"

"Look, mate- Dr Nichols is the last person to need 'looking after'… she's her own woman! And if money is the only other problem, it's possible! We could all chip in…"

Tom sighed, "Other people paying for our wedding? She'd hate that."

Jeff shrugged,

"Fine then, mate! Wedding on a budget, we can do it! Just think about Tamsin's surprise party- the decorations were all cheap, and we've saved them. You've got the entertainment sorted. The venue we can do… and as for the transport… let's just say Dixie and I have that covered."

"Okay. I'll do it." Tom nodded.

(He was slightly drunk at that point, but entirely determined)

The men cheered, and drained their glasses. They began to plan how he would ask Sam to marry him.

…..

Back with the girls, and they'd changed from the truth game to a drinking game. It was Tamsin's idea.

"Right," she grinned, pulling a DVD from her bag, "This, ladies and drunks, is a brand-new, critically acclaimed rom-com with the best reviews since avatar… and THIS is a bottle of tequila. Now, if you mix them up- with just a pinch of shamelessness and a lot of piss-taking, you have… drum role please… the Sam and Tom Rom Com similarities drinking game! Every time absolutely ANYTHING in this movie is AT ALL similar to the rollercoaster that is the relationship of the lovely Samantha Nicholls and the VERY attractive Tom Kent, we drink. Last one standing wins!"

The girls laughed, grabbing shot glasses and watching the dvd…

It's fair to say that they were VERY drunk at the end of the night.


	28. The coffee, the vanilla and the ferret

**Battle of the Sexes**

**HERE IT IS! "F*CKING FINALLY" I hear you cry. But do not fear, now this chapter is out of the way, I have the perfect plan for the next few. That, and I kind of ever so slightly maybe possibly broke my ankle a little bit… so I can't do much. Thanks for reviewing, as always (:**

…

When the parties broke up and everyone was at home, Tom decided that he needed a plan. He and Sam had a whole week off, two weeks from now. Perfect for a three day surprise trip. But what would Sam want? A fancy hotel would impress her, he guessed. But it wasn't really _Sam. _Sam liked adventure and excitement and testing her strength. Then, he had an idea. There was a mountain a five hour drive from where they lived. It was huge, and climbing it would definitely be challenging. His adoptive dad had climbed it with him and a friend when he was fifteen. They had camped at various sites on the way up, each of them deserted and quiet. There was a fast flowing river down the side of it, but in a few places the water reached a deep, calm pool that they had swum in. Then, at the top, they could see for miles. There, he would propose to Sam.

…

The next day, after only a short sleep, he picked her up on the way to work. As he waited in her living room for her to get ready, he called out to her,

"So, have you got anything planned for the week off?"

"Not really," Sam called back, "I haven't had time to plan ahead!"

"Well then don't." Tom smiled, as she walked into the room.

"Why?" She headed closer to him.

As he embraced her in a hug, he smiled and said, "Because I have a very special surprise planned."

She looked up at him and they kissed, passionately. Then, Sam's eyes darted to the clock.

"We don't have to be in for another two hours, and it's only half an hour's drive… why are you so early?"

"I thought you might need a little more _persuading _than that," Tom smirked.

"So persuade me."

Tom scooped Sam up and carried her upstairs.

…..

Two hours later, and the pair arrived at work. Both looked slightly happier and flirtier than normal, and it took the others only a few minutes to work it out. Zoe saw Sam looking something up on the computer, looking tired, and went to get two coffees. When she put Sam's cup in front of her, Zoe smiled and said,

"Had fun, last night, did we?"

Sam blushed a little bit and looked at Zoe,

"Thanks for the coffee."

"Oh, not fun then?" Zoe laughed. When she didn't get her reply, her eyebrows shot up,

"This morning?" She mock gasped, "Dr Nichols, you surprise me!"

"How the hell do you know that?"

"I'm a woman too you know. And, as much as I terrify them, men do occasionally ask me out."

Sam smiled and went back to her computer.

…..

Zoe walked off, but five minutes later she returned.

"Oh," she said, sounding hurt, "Didn't you want your coffee?"

"No, I mean, yes, I mean… I was just waiting for it to cool down."

Sam picked it up and tested it, before murmuring thank you and drinking a big sip. Fletch, Jamie, Tamsin, Aoife and Robyn were all stood watching, biting their lips to stop them laughing. They all knew she hated the coffee from the hospital café. After Zoe was out of hearing distance, Sam spat the greyish-brown liquid back into her cup, and the stifled murmurs turned into quiet laughter. Fletch leant into Sam's ear,

"It's not wine- you're not meant to spit it out after tasting it."

"Its rank," Sam spluttered, "That's what it is. How on earth do you drink this stuff?"

"Add vodka?" Tamsin suggested.

"I like cold lattes over ice." Robyn smiled, Aoife and Jamie nodding in agreement.

"Mm, or vanilla latte…"

"Hey, that's an idea,"

Tamsin pulled a bottle of vanilla essence from her pocket and handed it to Sam. Sam, along with the rest of the group, just looked at her. Eventually, Fletch murmured,

"Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking," (the others nodded) "Tamsin, why the hell do you have vanilla essence in your pocket?"

"Oh…" Tamsin mused, as if suddenly realising that it was just a little bit weird. "Well, y'know my pet ferret? Well he'll only drink his morning coffee with it in!"

The others' eyes just opened wider, their jaws dropping a bit.

"Tamsin, you feed the ferret coffee with vanilla essence in?"

Tamsin nodded.

Breaking out of her trance, Robyn smirked and said,

"I'll call psyche, and we better get that ferret into resus…"

Tamsin protested, "But he likes it, sometimes he just drinks it out the bottle. It's so cute, he holds it between his little paws and licks it up."

…..

Sam, who had added some of the stuff to her latte, spat it back out again.

Aoife nudged Robyn, "And I think Dr Nichols needs to be quarantined and vaccinated against any ferret-related diseases…"

Sam threw the (now empty) bottle of vanilla essence at her head and she ducked, smiling… but it sailed straight over her head and hit Tess on the back of the head. Simultaneously, the entire group ducked to hide behind the desk… only to look up and see one very angry Tess looking down at them.

"Would somebody like to explain?" She said in a menacing voice.

Fletch stood up, slowly, "Well, Dr Nichols was tired after her and Dr Kent had a little bit of fun this morning,"

Sam swatted him with some paperwork she was holding.

"So Dr Hanna got her some coffee but she didn't like it so Aoife and Robyn, being the yoofs of today,"

All three junior nurses threw their pens at his head.

"...suggested that she added some vanilla. Tamsin, being a complete freak,"

Tamsin hit him with the dead ferret.

"…produced some vanilla essence and Dr Nichols put it in her coffee. But, it turns out that a five-star, coffee hating ferret licked it's germs all over the bottle so Dr Nichols probably needs to be quarantined, and when Aoife pointed it out Dr Nichols threw the bottle at her… it's pretty simple, really. And would you lot STOP HITTING ME?"

"Maybe if you stopped being a jerk," Aoife muttered, but was stopped from adding anything by a damning glare from a still-angry Tess.

The still-angry nurse then said, "Well, if I wasn't in an extremely bad mood today then I would lumber you all with enough paperwork to last all night… oh, wait, I'm not in a good mood."

Tess dumped a heavy folder onto the desk and walked off.

"Oooh, shit…." Fletch muttered.


	29. Trouble in Paradise

**Battle of the Sexes**

The group looked at each other for a moment, before Aoife, Jamie, Robyn, Tamsin and Sam walked off. Fletch was left staring in horror at the paperwork, before he realised what was going on.

"Hey! Why don't any of you lot have to do this stuff?!"

Sam turned round, "If you hadn't opened your great big gob, Tess wouldn't have given it to us!"

"She's right," Tess shouted over her shoulder as she walked away.

Fletch grumbled, staring down at the paperwork in anger. Sam reappeared behind him,

"Here," she murmurs, placing her old cup of coffee in front of him, "You can have this."

Then she ran away, before he could hit her with the heavy wad of paperwork. She wasn't fast enough, and he caught her elbow. With a growl, she whipped round and threw the pen out of her pocket at his eye.

"Argh!" he cried, "What is it with you lot and throwing pens? Savages."

"Savages don't have pens," she retorted, "They can't write. They're savages."

"Racist."

"Hardly…"

…..

As Sam walked away, she bumped into Tom. He grinned at her, cheekily, and she grinned back.

"Sam, I was thinking… instead of a three day trip, let's have a whole weekend. I have something special planned."

Sam smiled and kissed him on the lips, to hide the look of horror on her face. Zoe walked back past and pulled the two apart, dragging Tom by the ear and Sam by her ponytail.

"Ow!" Sam complained, smirking slightly.

Tom began to fake cry,

"Sam, the nasty lady hurt me…"

"The nasty lady will do a lot more if you don't bugger off…" Zoe glared, and Tom ran off quickly.

Sam went to do the same, but Zoe still had hold of her ponytail, and pulled her back.

"What's up?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" Sam frowned.

"Well, Tom just offered to take you on a week away, all expenses paid and you looked like you'd rather go on a date with the ferret!"

"No, it's not Tom," Sam shook her head, "It's the 'week away' I don't like the sound of."

"How come?!" Zoe explained, "All expenses paid, some fancy hotel, maybe a spa…"

"Ugh!" Sam exclaimed, "No, no, NO! I hate that. The whole 'pamper her and be her slave' thing is the most annoying thing I've ever seen. If a man and a woman want to start a life together, why would he give her false impressions?! For the entire marriage, they're going to be sat there doing absolutely sod all, beer in one hand, remote in the other while she chases two children into made beds in tidy bedrooms, having just broken up an argument and tidied up a million different things."

"Dr Nichols," Zoe snorted, "Ever thought about becoming a match-maker? He's an asshole, she's a pushover- voila, a normal marriage!"

"No, it's not that I think Tom would become like that, I mean, he's a paediatric nurse… and it's not that I don't want to marry him… but Zoe, I don't like spas. I don't like relaxing. I like doing stuff- climbing, walking, and running… drinking water, not champagne. Jeans and a t-shirt, not a fancy dress… oh, hell, I don't own anything to wear on a romantic holiday, except the dress I wore to Tamsin's party, and that's not right…"

"Calm down, calm down!" Zoe flung her hands up. "Look, shift's nearly over. I'll grab all the girls and we'll go to the pub. I'll tell Tom to keep himself out of there or I'll tear his other ear off."

"But…"

"And as for that ponytail of yours…"

"Fine… FINE."

…

Twenty minutes later and the girls had slipped away into the pub, the boys having been told to get lost and go to a pub down the road. Zoe had brought in the first round of drinks, and Sam was desperately hugging a pint of cider, as if she was hoping it would stop the fear she felt about the dreaded week away. Of course, word had got round to the others that Tom was planning to propose… they just didn't know how.

"Well, maybe you'll enjoy it! Y'know, some hotels have murder mystery dinners and swimming pools, they're exciting?"

"Ugh," Sam groaned, hitting her head on the table.

"Okay, but maybe you won't be in a hotel- if it's a whole week, maybe it's a cruise?!"

"A boat," Sam murmured, "A bloody boat. Going from jellyfish-and-shark-infested beach to jellyfish-and-shark-infested beach, full of snobs looking down their nose at you…"

"SAM!" Tamsin exclaimed, clobbering her about the head with the ferret, "Who the hell would look down their nose at you, for god's sake?!"

Sam looked up, "Who wouldn't?"

"No," Linda shook her head, "No _way! _Sam, are you saying you're not pretty?!"

Sam sat up and slumped back, taking a big drink of cider,

"I look okay with jeans and a t-shirt, but when I have to wear a dress… or… well, y'know…"

"Dr Nichols, do not try that one," Zoe shook her head, "We all know you and Tom have 'done it'… for Christ's sake, even this morning… so why…"

"But it's meant to be different on holiday! Y'know, every night, and… well… what am I meant to wear?"

"Nothing, that's the point…" Louise murmured, and the rest of the table giggled.

Sam shot her a glare, causing the others to giggle more.

Slamming her head back onto the table, she groaned, "You KNOW what I mean…"

"Oh," Aoife tried not to laugh, "We don't."

"Yeah," Robyn sniggered, "Why don't you enlighten us?"

Jamie (the only boy accepted in the girl's group) had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing, as Sam flung a drinks mat at their heads, simultaneously hitting them both.

"Underwear, you evil shits…"

The group burst out laughing again, until Sam wielded a stack of placemats menacingly.

"Look, Sam," Dixie sighed, breaking the silence, "If Tom really loves you, really wants you… then he'll really know you, too. And if he doesn't, and he does take you somewhere you hate, then he's clearly not the man he think he is, and he isn't worth marrying."  
…

Meanwhile, in the boys little gathering, Tom was having a nervous breakdown.

"But what if she doesn't come?! What if she hates it?! What if she says no?!"

"Then she's stupid, mate." Jeff shook his head.

"Sam isn't stupid," Tom growled.

"Exactly."

Fletch stood up, "Right, I've had enough of this. Tom, are you working tomorrow?"

Tom shook his head.

"Right, are you seeing Sam?"

"No, she just text me, she and the girls are going shopping. God knows why."

"Right then. We are going to get you so drunk you forget your own name, let alone whether or not Sam likes you. So, third round is on me and you, my friend, are having something strong. I'm staying sober so I won't let you do anything so dumb."

"Um, but… I think… what if Sam sees?"

Jeff clapped him on the back so hard her was flung forward.

"Our dear Dr Nichols…" he paused, "Will be too drunk to give a shit…"


	30. The Calm Before The Storm

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Aw, thank you for the lovely reviews! And my very first negative review S: oh well, shall have to try harder! There were 2 slip ups where I mixed up words in the last chapter, maybe 3- I have a lovely little sister (BigBlueDuck) who points them out, luckily. Must say though, I didn't think it was all bad S:**

**But, on a positive note…**

**This chapter is a present to you, from me, to celebrate! I just got my GCSE results for Biology, Chemistry and Statistics- 2 As and a B! That means, hopefully, the science results (the As) will help me with becoming a doctor. AND my lovely family are going to try and get me work experience in a hospital and volunteer work in a hospice, so YAY! Enjoy your present (:**

**Xxx**

…

And he was right. The girls had gone back to Sam's, stopping on the way to buy as much cheap alcohol as they could. Knowing that the shop keeper wouldn't let them buy a lot if they were all together, they snuck in one by one, buying various amounts of booze and frightening the occasional old woman. When they'd got what they needed, they all piled into Zoe's car (because she was the only one who drove to work in their own car that day.) Now, considering that the car was a Mini, and she had to fit herself, Linda, Louise, Sam, Aoife, Robyn, Jamie, Tamsin and Dixie into it, chaos ensued. Zoe sat in the driver's seat, and Sam in the front, next to her. They moved their chairs forward as far as they could. Then Dixie and Robyn sat in the back seats, Linda squashed in between them, with Aoife and Tamsin sitting on top of them. Louise and Jamie frowned… how the hell would they fit?

"Zoe, do you have much in your boot?" Linda called, giggling.

"No," Zoe shouted back, "Only the booze for tonight. I reckon one of you would fit."

Jamie and Louise looked at each other- Louise looked terrified.

"Do you want me to get in the boot?" Jamie asked.

Louise just nodded, and Jamie climbed in. It was pretty comfortable in the boot. But there was still the issue of where to put Louise. Sam had an idea. She opened her door, took of her jumper and put it in the footwell.

"Louise, sit there."

Louise did as she was told, and Sam climbed in, tucking her knees up to her chest.

"This is so dangerous…" Louise shook her head.

"It's only a few miles," Sam comforted, "And there probably won't be any police cars. Plus, Zoe's sober, aren't you?"

When Zoe did nothing Sam began to panic.

"Jesus christ, Zoe, tell me you're sober."

Zoe grinned, "Of course I am, you muppet. Now, let's get going."

…

A slow, drawn out and tedious ride later, and they arrived back at Sam's. She let them in, and Linda and Tamsin ran straight through to the kitchen, to mix drinks.

"Don't make a mess in there!" Sam shouted after them, smiling.

She let the others inside, and they all sat round the spacious living room. Robyn, Jamie and Aoife slumped onto one sofa, Louise, Zoe and Dixie on the other. Sam sat on the big reclining chair.

"So, back to the issue of the surprise week away," Zoe smiled, as Tamsin and Linda walked in with glasses, bottles, cocktails and shots.

The two sat on the big beanbags at the side of the room, and everyone grabbed a glass or a bottle, and sat back down. They looked at Sam mischievously. She groaned, hitting her head into her hands.

"What am I going to wear…" she shook her head, "What am I going to do?"

Zoe slammed her glass down on the table.

"RIGHT," she said, getting up, "I'm going to go up, right now, to your room. We all are. And then, we're choosing your clothes for the entire trip, got it. And, with the shopping trip we've planned tomorrow, we can make up for anything you don't have."

Sam didn't get a chance to reply- a stampede of 8 women, a boy and a dead ferret charged past her, up to her room. All she could do was chase them.

….

Meanwhile, with the boys, Fletch's plan hadn't worked. All Tom had wanted to talk about was Sam, so in the end they'd had to give up and listen.

"So, mate, look- where are you taking her." Jeff frowned.

"Camping- I told you, remember?!"

"Yeah, but where?!"

Tom smiled slightly at the idea, "There's this mountain, where my foster dad took me camping. It's beautiful and out of the way, and barely anyone goes there because it's so hard to climb. But when you get to the top- it's not that tall, only takes a few days to climb, not too cold at the top. But there's the best view, and I'm going to propose to her there. Not to mention, there's a lake that we can swim in and we can light a campfire. Not to mention, it's a small tent."

"And you're worried because?" Fletch smirked, "That sounds great!"

"Yeah," Lloyd nodded, "She'll love it."

"But," Tom shook his head, "I'm not paying for it. I'm not spending millions on spoiling her or any of that."

"Right," Jeff shook his head, "Mate, we need to get the girls in on this. We can get their advice on the proposal, whether it will be any good, all that stuff. Then, we'll know she'll love it."

….

The evening passed, and the girls ended up staying at Sam's. At eight in the morning, Sam woke up. This was when she always woke up on Saturday, no matter how much she drank the night before. She jumped out of bed, and looked around. Linda and Tamsin were somehow sleeping on the downstairs hallway floor. Louise, Zoe and Dixie had fallen asleep on the sofas and chair. Aoife, Jamie and Robyn slept amongst pillows and blankets on the floor. Sam had to laugh- Jamie was sucking his thumb. Sam picked up glasses and bottles, and picked her way through to the kitchen. She went to the fridge, found some bacon, then took some eggs from the egg box. She found the bread and put it by the toaster. As fried the bacon, she thought about her week away with Tom. Maybe it wouldn't be all bad- it would be with Tom, after all…

When the bacon was underway, she made scrambled eggs and toast. She put it onto big plates, then onto the table, and found some different fruit juices. When it was all done, she checked on the others. They were stirring with the smell of cooking. But they weren't awake. She grabbed a clean saucepan and a big spoon, and with a great big grin she began to clash the two against each other.

"Gah!"

The three junior nurses, clearly used to annoying house mates waking them up, sat up and threw cushions at her. Louise sat up a few seconds later, rubbed her eyes and glared. She hit Dixie on the arm, to stop her snoring.

"Piss off, Louise," Dixie grumbled, rolling over. Then she took a deep breath, and sat upright again. "Wait, do I smell bacon?!"

Just then, Tamsin burst into the room from the hallway, Linda behind her.

"I have a dead ferret and I'm not afraid to use it!" Tamsin shouted, wielding the stuffed animal.

Zoe sat bolt upright, "Hey! No ferrets in my ED… oh, wait a minute… not my ED… go ahead."

Everyone laughed at her, and Zoe scowled. Sam shook her head.

"Right, you lot," She laughed, "Breakfast is on the table. AND if you don't want your hangovers to get any WORSE," she wielded the pan, "you will get in there, NOW. We have shopping to do."


	31. The Brilliant Plan

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Here it is, another chapter and a little bit late! I'm so excited, from this chapter until a certain event involving a white dress, a tux and our favourite couple, I have a plan. I can't stop writing. I love the next few ideas so much!**

…**..**

After the group devoured breakfast (and Tamsin had stashed some eggs and bacon away in her bag as a 'special treat' for the ferret) they headed to the shopping centre. They walked along, almost in formation, Zoe at the front, Linda and Tamsin dragging Sam along behind her, then the rest of the group. They forced Sam into this beautifully laid out shop, and dragged her straight to the section labelled 'Holiday clothing'. Sam grimaced as she saw the sequins and studs and pinks.

"No way," she shook her head, trying to pull away.

"Yes way," Linda grinned, as she and Tamsin hauled her in.

They forced Sam into a chair.

"Robyn, Aoife," Tamsin ordered, "Guard her. Don't let her move. DO NOT."

The two grinned, and stood either side of Sam, their arms folded like bodyguards. The others got to work, finding clothes, showing them to each other, looking at Sam, holding them up, asking someone else for advice, putting them back or throwing them at Sam. By the time she'd finished, Sam had a pile of clothes, underwear, swimming costumes and jewellery on her lap. When they'd found every bit of clothing they could, they dragged Sam into the cubicles.

"Right, Sam," Zoe ordered, shoving Sam behind one of the curtains. "Try them on."

Sam groaned, and picked the first thing off the pile. It was a pale blue dress, with ruffles down the front and a 'belt' round the waist of brown stones. She liked it, it was pretty, but she knew she wouldn't like wearing it. She put it on, and looked at herself in the mirror. It was… okay…

"Okay," she sighed.

Zoe tore back the curtain and Tamsin and Linda pulled her out. They dived in and found the matching shoes and necklace, throwing them at her. Sam put them on with a smirk.

"Right," Zoe smiled. "Now, catwalk. Up and down."

"Piss off," Sam shook her head.

"NOW."

Sam yelped and tried to hide behind the curtain. Tamsin and Aoife dragged her out and threw her down the aisle. Sam walked nervously up and down, wobbling in her heels. She got back and dived into the cubicle. Zoe caught her arm and pulled her back out.

"Not just yet, missy." She smiled, spinning her round to look in the mirror, "Out of ten?"

"On anyone else? Nine. On me, seven."

"Why?" Linda, who had picked the dress, frowned, "It matches your hair…"

"Yeah, but look at my arm muscles, and my legs. I look like a butch man."

Tamsin shook her head, "Oh, bullshit. You look fine."

Sam shook her head, and put the dress in the 'no' pile. This pattern continued for all the dresses. Then they moved onto the swimwear. Sam said no to all of them, too. And the underwear. They gave up on that shop. But it wasn't just that shop, it was every shop. They went home empty handed.

…..

But, it turned out it was a relief. When everyone was at their respective houses, everyone but Sam received a phonecall from one of the boys. They were calling a meeting at Tom's. Five minutes later, when everyone had arrived, they all sat round with beers and began to talk.

"Ooh! Do we finally get to know what this special holiday is about?"

Tom was staring down into his beer, like all the answers were at the bottom of the glass. Jeff stepped in,

"Yeah, well- the thing is, girls, that Tom doesn't know whether Dr Nichols is gonna like this holiday… and it's absolutely crucial that she does…"

"Just tell me," Tom burst, "What is she expecting?"

"Well… something fancy," Linda began.

"Oh, god…"

"Some sort of hotel or cruise, somewhere exotic," Zoe continued.

"Oh GOD."

"Something where you dress up and drink, with five-course meals and black-tie dress codes…"

"Oh, shit."

Tom held his head in his hands, groaning loudly. The girls grinned at each other, and the boys looked confused.

"Lets put him out of his misery," Linda murmured.

"Tom, she's dreading it."

"What?" Tom groaned, looking up at them.

"She thinks you're going to take her on one of those holidays, and she's going to hate it."

Tom looked as if he'd just been offered £1000000000000 for being called Tom.

"Really?!" he exclaimed, "Oh, thank god!"

The group laughed at him, and he went slightly red.

…

Linda sunk back into her chair, holding her drink with a smile,

"So, what have you got planned then?"

"Just camping… nothing special…"

This caused outcry amongst the men.

"Oh, you lying bastard!" Jeff exclaimed.

"C'mon," Lloyd laughed, "We all know it- you think you're a genius."

"It's a great idea, mate," Fletch smiled, "She'll love it. Tell 'em, and they'll agree."

Tom flung his hands up in surrender, sending his remaining drops of beer flying over Tamsin, who promptly hit him with the dead ferret.

"Sorry, crazy-ferret-lady…"

(she hit him again)

"mad-weasel-woman?"

(and again)

"ferret-hugging-lunatic?"

The third and final hit was enough for Zoe,

"Stop it, or he won't have any braincells left! And I want to know what's so special about this camping trip!"

Tom grinned, and ran his hand through his now-ruffled hair.

"Okay, so I'm taking her camping up this small-ish, out-of-the-way mountain. It's beautiful, and its difficult to climb so barely anyone ever goes there. It's amazing…"

"And then…" Fletch encouraged him.

"And then I'm going to propose," Tom grinned.

The girls squealed excitedly, pouncing on him and hugging him.

"Oh, Tom that's brilliant!" Zoe exclaimed.

When the excitement died down, they helped him plan the entire week away, all offering help in various ways.

…


	32. A little bit fluffy (like a ferret)

**Battle of the Sexes**

**Okay, so a little bit of fluff and a little bit of almost-romance in this chapter, because there hasn't been much lately! I hope you like it, thanks for all your reviews and encouragement xxx**

Sam had been dreading it for days. The girls had forcibly taken her suitcase, and they had threatened to pack it for her, then give it to Tom- all so she'd have no idea where she was going. But now, it was the big day, and she was waiting for Tom to pick her up. She had worn simple jeans and a t-shirt, just travel clothes, in case they were flying anywhere.

He knocked on the door, making her jump.

"Come in!" she shouted, playing with her hair.

Tom walked in, smiling at his girlfriend,

"Hey gorgeous," he grinned.

"What do you want?" She asked, suspicious that he called her gorgeous.

"What on earth makes you think I want anything?" he hugged her from behind, hissing her neck.

She laughed, and turned round in his arms to kiss him back.

"Ready?" he smiled.

Sam sucked in a deep breath, "Yep. Ready."

He led her out into the car, letting her lock her front door, and helped her inside the car. She sucked in a deep breath, and looked out the window.

_Goodbye, sanity. I'll miss you._

Then, Tom got into the car and they were off.

…

When they got to a service station, Tom pulled over and produced a blindfold.

"It's only for a few minutes," he begged.

"It's always only for a few minutes with you…" Sam murmured.

"Ouch," Tom murmured, leaning over and kissing Sam.

When he pulled away, he swiftly put the blindfold over her eyes. She grumbled, but left it there. At least it would be easier to act happy when he took it off her and let her see again. She sat there, arms folded across her chest, for the rest of the journey. When they finally stopped, she even let Tom help her out of the car, and hand her her bag. Other than a couple of other people talking, it was very quiet. She was surprised- it didn't sound like an airport. Plus, the air smelt cleaner, clearer- like they were somewhere in the countryside.

"Ready?" Tom whispered, standing behind her and playing with the blindfold.

Sam was really confused now- she wanted to know where she was!

"Too right. Get this blindfold the hell off me, or I'll call Tamsin all the way out here with her dead ferret!"

Tom chuckled,

"How? You don't know where you are!"

"Shut it Tom, and get this bloody blindfold off me- or this 'romantic' weekend will be completely romance free."

Tom chuckled and began to untie the blindfold, but before he let it fall away from her eyes, he began to kiss her neck. She leant her head to one side, running her hands through his hair. Then, he drew away- Sam's hands trailed round his face, hoping for more. She was actually disappointed when he let the blindfold fall away, but not for long. For in front of her, was a mountain. Not too big, but not too small- it looked a good three days climb to the top. There were a few other people around, but mainly hikers like themselves. In the warm summer sun, it looked beautiful. Sam smiled and turned round to Tom, this time able to kiss him. He pushed her away gently, handing her her bag,

"Not just yet- we have to get to the first stop before its too dark," he smiled, "But, speaking of dark tents, I might just keep hold of _this," _he tucked the blindfold into his pocket, "For later."

"You'd be lucky," Sam smirked.

"Is that a no?" Tom asked, grinning.

"Ask me what I'd say if I was drunk?"

"What would you say?"

"No."

…

The pair set off up the mountain, bags on their backs, through the low trees and high bushes. As they walked, there was barely anyone else around. After a few hours, they reached a clear area surrounded by hedges and long grass. Tom found a pop up tent and threw it dramatically out, watching as it sprung out… upside down. With a laugh, Sam helped him right it and threw two roll mats and two sleeping bags inside. Tom produced a cool bag, with three bottles of white wine and two plastic glasses.

"One for each night," he smiled, unscrewing the first, and pouring two glasses.

"If this is any way related to that blindfold…" Sam muttered, menacingly.

"Not at all! You can thank Zoe, they were her idea."

Sam smirked, "Fine. THANK YOU, ZOE!" she hollered as loud as she could.

"Shh!" Tom shook his head, "You'll piss off the badgers…"

Sam couldn't help but laugh then, as they both drank their wine. When they'd drained the bottle, both were just a little bit tipsy.

"That'll do, I think!" Sam laughed.

"Not just yet," Tom smiled, pulling a small hexi-burner and a mess tin from his bag, "You're cooking dinner."

"Oh, am I now?" Sam smirked.

"Yeah, c'mon miss-army-cadet-d-of-e-wonderwoman, show us how it's done."

"I'll show you something in a minute," Sam hissed menacingly, before realising what she'd said, "NOT LIKE THAT! Well, maybe I will… but… that's not what I… I mean I… I was talking about… I didn't mean… Oh, for Christ's sake, work it out!"

Tom laughed, kissed her and handed her two pouches of army-like ration food, before crawling back into the tent. In there, he managed to use the sips to make the two sleeping bags into a double one, and put a little chocolate on each pillow with a laugh. A shout of, 'dinner's ready!' from Sam called him back outside, where they sat and ate, side by side, watching the stars. Sam rested her head on his shoulder. It was perfect.

…

When they had finished and packed up, they crawled back into the tent. Sam ate her chocolate with a laugh, then Tom's when he insisted. They got inside the double sleeping bag, and she snuggled up to him.

"Love you." She whispered.

"Sorry, what?" Tom spluttered, "Dr Nicholls, did you just…"

"Yes. Now say it back or shut up."

"Of course I love you too," Tom laughed.


	33. Very fluffy (like a ferret on steroids)

**Thank you for all the lovely reviews, guys. I'm enjoying writing a little bit of fluff, but if it's irritating please say! The dead ferret will return as soon as Tom and Sam come back down the mountain, along with the rest of our favourite characters. But, here's a question- should Lily become part of the story or not? Your opinions please!**

…**..**

Sam smiled, so happy he'd actually said it, and rolled over to look at him, still resting on his muscular chest. Tom's hands moved up her t-shirt, and she wriggled away.

"Your hands are freezing," she complained, sitting upright.

"So are yours," Tom shook his head, "I'm not complaining."

"That's because _I'm _not doing anything…" Sam smirked at him.

"Yet," he grinned.

Sam rolled over, facing away from him, and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Hey, no fair," Tom whined, moving closer to her, "I was only joking."

"Sure, sure." Sam whispered, "You weren't…"

Tom sighed, and propped himself up,

"No, you're right, I wasn't."

She sat up too, holding his head, kissing him. And, right there, in the dark, Sam finally knew- she loved him, and she wanted to marry him.

…

In the morning, Tom woke up with Sam's head on his chest. He woke her with a kiss.

"Morning, sleeping beauty," he smiled.

Sam sat up, scowling.

"Don't wake me up with some cheesy line after not having let me sleep very much last night."

Tom grinned, "Okay, okay, sleeping grouch."

Sam swatted him her hand, and it became a small playfight. Just when Sam thought she had won (she was sat on Tom's legs and had hold of both his hands) Tom turned his head to the side.

"Oh," he whispered, "Look."

Sam smirked, "I'm not falling for that one, Thomas."

"Don't call me Thomas…. _Samantha…"_ he grinned, still fighting her weakly, "But I'm not joking- look!"

Sam gave in, and turned to look at what he was trying to show her. Her heart melted,

"Aww!" she whispered.

For, curled up in one of Tom's shoes, was a hedgehog. It's spines were flat against itself, and rose and fell with each tiny snore. Tom, looking at Sam's face, forgot his plan and kept staring. She looked so pretty when she was being girly… which wasn't often. This thought brought him back to his plan, and using his hands, which were already holding onto Sam's, and her knees gripping his sides, he rolled over so he was on top of her.

"Ha," he smirked, leaning in to kiss her, "I win."

But he didn't kiss Sam. Being brave (and a little bit stupid) Sam had gently picked up the sleeping hedgehog and held it's face up to Tom's. He ended up kissing the hedgehog instead.

"Gah!" Tom yelped, opening his eyes and seeing the tiny, spikey creature.

The hedgehog let out a squeak and tried to stand it's spikes up on end. But it was only very little, and it's spikes weren't fully formed yet, giving Sam time to throw it gently out the tent door, and watch it scurry away, irritated.

Sam shoved Tom away from her, lightly.

"Ugh, I kind of wish there was a shower…" she shook her head.

Tom could only smile at that,

"Let's pack this away and carry on walking for a little bit. We might just find a puddle."

Sam scowled at him, but she began to pack away the tent.

…..

When they were all packed up, they continued their climb up the mountain. Tom led Sam by the hand through trees and over rocks, until they found a fast flowing river. They picked their way carefully over fallen branches and slippery rocks. Eventually, the trees seemed to clear and a clear, green pool loomed into view. Water splashed over the edge, showering down gently, and flowed over the edge on the other side. Tom pulled off his t-shirt and took a running jump, flying into the pool in a bomb. He sent water showering over Sam, making her yelp with indignation.

"Come on!" He called, surfacing, "Get in!"

Sam laughed at him- and, as her t-shirt was already soaked, did the neatest bomb ever- propelling herself high into the air and landing in the pool with such force she hit the bottom. Tom hadn't been expecting the tidal wave she created, and was knocked over. When he surfaced, he had a crayfish clinging onto his shorts.

"Oh my god, TOM!" Sam yelled, pointing to it.

"Gah!" Tom yelled, running out of the water and round and round in circles.

"Get it off, get it off!"

Sam bent double laughing, keeping her feet on a rock to avoid another… crayfish incident… as she watched her boyfriend freak out. Eventually, the crayfish fell off into the fast flowing water after the pool. Sam climbed out, laughing, and gave Tom a kiss.

"Aww, did the big nasty clawed thing try to get you?"

Tom scowled, shook the water out of his hair,

"Not funny. I swear the wildlife in this forest have it in for me."

As if they'd heard him, a bird shat on his shoulder.

"Wildlife 3, Tom nil." Sam smirked.

…..

After Tom had washed off the bird poo and put on some dry clothes, he and Sam continued their climb. It was getting dark, but they were near the top. Sam wanted to stop, but that wasn't part of Tom's plan. He picked her up and held her in a fireman's carry, over one shoulder. When carrying her up the mountain, he came across two other hikers going back down again.

"Evening," Tom smiled.

"Evening," Sam grumbled.

The two hikers walked past pretty quickly, looking rather terrified. Eventually, Tom reached campsite number two, only a five minutes climb from the top.

…

He let Sam sit down while he set up the tent, and when it was up, she crawled inside and wrapped herself up in a sleeping bag. Tom stayed outside until dinner was cooked, crawling back inside with a pouch of chicken and bacon pasta for Sam, and biryani curry for him. They drank the second bottle of wine and ate together, cuddling up against the cold.

"Thank you," Sam murmured, shivering.

"Hey," Tom whispered, "You look cold."

"I am," Sam smirked, raising her eyebrow.

"I know a way to warm you up," Tom grinned, moving closer to her.

"Bitch, please," Sam smirked, "Unless you're talking about hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows, then get lost."

"We could involve cream if you wanted…"

"TOM!" Sam exclaimed, hitting him with a pillow.

The two finished their meals and their wine, curled up and went to sleep.


End file.
